If the daughter deceived the guy and threw. The daughter is terribly suffering after parting with a young man

Parting always brings a lot of pain at any age. But it is especially hard to adolescent. To give this situation even more drama, many adolescents begin to recoup in public (among the peers, at school and outside it, in social networks). Their behavior may include gossip, rumors and other lie. how loving parent Teenage daughter, most likely, you want to help her survive this pain. Talk to her, let her without condemnation on your part tell about his feelings. In the coming weeks, try to render your daughters with emotional support, persuade it more often to walk and instill hopefully on a bright and happy future. If this situation is accompanied by special circumstances (for example, depressions or any type of dependence), contact.

Steps

Part 1

Talk to my daughter

1. Try to neutrally refer to the situation. Even if you didn't like your daughter's guy, she shouldn't talk about it now. If your daughter is still a teenager, her relationships can be completely unpredictable. Perhaps your daughter will even come back to it. Therefore, refrain from negative judgments. Even if your daughter's boyfriend beloved to her, now there is no time to take someone's side. Then it can turn into unpleasant consequences for you.

   • You want your daughter to calmly tell you about your romantic relationship, especially when it is still very young. But if you water the dirt of her former so that they do not come together again, in the future she will not turn to you if she has problems.
   • If your daughter starts saying something bad about his former guy, do not respond to her with a negative. It is better to say something like this: "It is quite normal to feel anger after parting."

2. Tell us about your own love story. After a while, when your daughter is a little chasing, perhaps she will want to look at the situation from another point of view. In this case, you can tell her a little about his love story. This will help her understand that the separation is quite normal and natural, and people always have to go through it.

   Give your daughter hope for the future. As soon as your daughter calms down a little and wants to find out your opinion about the situation, instill hope in it. Remind her that over time everything will work out. But this should be done in such a way as accidentally not to remove her feelings that she is currently experiencing.

   • You should not say: "At your age, I passed through the same thing, and I didn't even remember it anymore. You will be fine."
   • Instead, understand what she feels, and tell her something encouraging. For example: "I know that now it hurts you, but remember that it is not forever. I also went through a similar gap, but in the future you are waiting for much more happy relationship."

3. Inspire your daughter to engage in active activities. Perhaps she wants to sit in his room for several days. Want to be alone with you after a hard break - quite normal, but do not let her worry too long. Cancellation on relationships and parting can even lead to more serious problems (such as depression). Therefore, try to somehow gently convey to it that she needs to continue to engage in habitual affairs and see friends. This will help her to come into herself faster.

   • At first, you can resolve the daughter to miss different out-of-school classes and events, but it is important to make sure that over time she will return to the usual sports activities, to their communities for interests and hobbies. Employment will help her to get rid of obsessive thoughts about relationships and show that life continues.
   • You can try to invite her friends. Be hospitable for our daughter's guests - it will help her become more sociable.
   • Help her develop in their hobbies. If your daughter likes to sew, think about buying her new fabric, Or help her with a new project. If she likes to get out of nature, organize a family picnic or hike.

Part 3.

How to cope with special circumstances

1. Pay attention to any warning signs telling that your child needs help from a specialist. It is quite normal to sink a little after breaking relationships, but for adolescents is not the norm of some kind of depression after the end of a short and non-serious relationship. Therefore, it is worth paying attention to the signs that your daughter's reaction goes beyond the rules of the norm or delayed for a long time. Perhaps she needs help a psychologist.

   • If, even in a few weeks, your daughter seems very sad, most likely, she needs help from a specialist. If she has lost interest in his hobbies, still much crying and keeps out people, it needs a consultation of a psychologist.
   • Be sure to contact your daughter to a psychologist, if you notice that she began to harm himself or have become alcohol and drugs after parting.
2. When your child hurts, it is quite normal to worry and be sad about this. I do not like to observe anyone how his child experiences breaking the relationship. However, try to control your own emotions when talking to your daughter. Helping the daughter, it is important not to upset it and not make it even more.

• Make sure your daughter knows you care about it. This topic is very personal, so it is necessary to show your attention and care all the time.
• Let your daughter talk to people who passed through a similar situation. Your daughter should understand that she is not the only one who had to worry about difficult times.

Warnings

• Do not be too persistent. If you know that your daughter is uncomfortable to talk about it, step back. Perhaps it will open to you when will be ready.

Question:

Hello, please advice in the current situation. My daughter is 16 years old and she is not lucky with guys. The first time she threw her guy due to the fact that her grandmother decided that my girl was not a couple of her grandson. The daughter was then 12 years old (he told her on her birthday). There was depression, disappointment in relationships and a complex of unattractiveness for boys. After 9 months, in the camp, the daughter met the boy. A good boy studying in the Cadet School, older than 1 year. He somehow fell in love immediately, admitted to her. They began to meet, but her daughter treated him as a friend, no more. From his parties were recognition in eternal love. His mother called me and assured that this love for the rest of the whole life is her son of Odnolyub. Under this Natius, my daughter began to dishone, from her part there was also a feeling, the boy could say her in love with himself. It continued for about two years, and here, how the thunder in the clear sky - the daughter gets sms from him - we need to grow. Without explaining the reasons. The daughter was dumbfounded, tried to find out the cause. They communicated by phone, because There was no summer and the opportunity of the meeting. As a result of the correspondence, we agreed to meet and talk, my daughter insisted on it. After this meeting, which turned out that he wrote it all just because he was bad, but he still loves her - the relationship resumed. The daughter was happy. It lasted this happiness of 7 months. Yesterday, he came, on the eve said what to talk. As the daughter tells, first the conversation was about the pros and cons of each other, how to change their relationship for the better. And then, after a minute silence - well, all, we melt ...... When my daughter came home on her face was not. She did not understand again for what they were thrown. Yes. By virtue of her employment, it was not so much time for meetings and communication. Yes, and he, too, with this problem - the graduation class - pay. Did not inclined to express his emotions and in its attitude towards him too, and I want a stormy relationship to him - it's often to meet, communicate - at the same time if he does not have the opportunity to meet - this OK, and if the daughter has no time - this is crime. Yesterday we roared both with her, she is from resentment, pain and misunderstanding. I am from my own impotence that I can not help her and the lack of faith in a good future at my daughter. I can not support your daughter, I do not know how to bring it out of the stupor. I catch myself on what was related to their relationship as a relationship of 100% bring to creating a family. On the one hand, the daughter wants to return it, on the other - it is afraid that everything will repeat again. It is good that yesterday I made the phone numbers and his mom, but I would call today and tried to return it back. I spent my daughter to school ... Again the roar, very hard on the soul and hurts, as if it were thrown me, but it was like her .... probably this situation is not deadly, my daughter is only 16, but how to help her to survive all this, without having it In itself, strength and faith in a good future?

Answer:

Hello. Thank you for sharing. You can help your daughter only if you yourself will be in the "working" state. Therefore, you need to deal with you for a start - why you react so sharply to this situation. I can only assume that you yourself have happened in life. Otherwise, it is not entirely clear why you are so emotionally react to the usual, it seemed to be a life situation. My daughter is 16 years old and her whole life is ahead. And you glued her a bunch of labels and complexes. Help to survive it is very simple - you need to do your affairs, think about studying, meet with other guys, in general, to live on. Just your daughter is not lucky with a guy and that's it. Here, just do not dig and look for some depth reasons. And you do not need to treat yourself as a victim, that is, your daughter does not need to make the thought that she was thrown. Everything broke up. The boy may have his own problems, and because of this, it is not worth hanging the stamp. In general, you first need to calm down and try philosophically to look at this situation. Everything happens in life, and if someone you do not like, it does not mean that you are a chance.

My daughter broke up with a guy. It seems not my business ... But I can't accept it. The guy is good. One and a half years she flew, was happy. In the summer they began a quarrel, she began to be offended by him for being less attention to her. He really does not like these disassembly, silently, or promised to change everything. In September, she decided to part with him, but he asked him to give him a chance. For more than two months, she simply mocked him, whatever he did, no matter how fed, she was already noting. A week ago, she just kicked him out. I know that the guy is very hard, we communicate with him. I am very offended by my daughter for her attitude towards him. I saw her loved, I wanted to be with him. How could she confuse so quickly and wave? We had a funeral of grandparents, my father, the guy all three days helped in everything, was next to his daughter, he was ready to redo everything about us, to help in everything, to be with her next to every minute, marry, she still wanted it yet Recently, and here it became anyway. We made friends with families, went to each other to visit. Yes, I know that everyone will answer me that this is not my business. But I have such pain that it is even difficult to breathe. I see how the daughter falls in loveings of the guys and throws, doing it hurts, she just plays in love, and then he does not see anything, but only a new relationship. For more than a year she spoke about her love, and she was visible. I do not understand how this is so possible to forget everything. And I can not understand and forgive her. I know that I can not part with my dream, that she will be happy with him. I consider it evil, offended at her and this offended her. I know that this is her life. And I cry, I hope that it will make up, I hope for her kindness. I know that he is very bad. And it looks like all in new dreams, constantly hanging on the phone, dramatically changed his style, hairstyle ... And I cry in the evenings and trying to convince her to make it raised, I annoy it. Here I think that she did a bad, wrong, severely and that's it. I am writing all this, probably to get a portion of negativity to myself, somehow cut out of these thoughts. After all, I'm wrong?

Olga, Kazakhstan, 44 years / 18.11.16

Opinions of our experts

• Alyona

  Olga, yes, you're wrong. This is not her dream, but yours. You liked this guy so that you would marry himself, if I were the same young. And these are your dreams you are trying to realize, trying to make your daughter draw. In my opinion, you just need to let go of the child and give your daughter to figure out who she loves, and by whom was passionate about, but no more. The fact that she may not know how to build long-term relationships and turns guys, playing the feelings - your wines. The girl studies at the example of mom. So, an example was unsuccessful. And now she needs to grow, block the firewood and fill the cones to sort it up and understand that she needs from a man with whom she wants to stay and patiently build relationships. It is obvious that the guy you say about, does not inspire her more. So why should she spend time at him and, most importantly, why find the guy himself? They are so few more years. Let them understand themselves. And in 44 you need to remember my own personal life and my own "I". You early began to live my daughter's life. Remember yourself. Why cry about the failed daughter's wedding? Where are you in a hurry? They shake for yourself, remember that you are the most interesting in this life.

• Sergey

  Olga, you're really wrong. Integrated in the fact that you refuse your daughter in making her own decisions and do not accept them. No, I understand that you liked her former guy. He is so positive and correct from the point of view. But perhaps this is the case? A young man who does not have his own opinion, ready to obey the elders to everyone, and evenly tolerantly mocking over himself and even coming for for forgiveness, it may well be just bored with a young, active girl. At first I liked the suspended approach, but as you communicate, I began to annoy. Alas, but it happens. This is called - did not compare the characters. And regret it is not worth it. Believe me, much worse when such guys, under the influence of parents, create a family, give birth to a child, and then drill their nerves and themselves, and others, and they still part. So what your daughter broke up with this guy is not bad. It is worse what has no home support. Maybe therefore she behaves in a similar way that he wants to prove their adoles in the first place? What to do? Maybe you should go? Judging by the fact that you have never mentioned in a letter of my daughter's father, you have no husband. Perhaps it is for this reason that you react so sharply to how the daughter goes through the applicants. You are afraid that she will repeat your mistakes. But this is not her problem, but yours. And since your, then you should deal with, and first of all with yourself. Of course, it is not easy at the age of 40, to recognize that not right. And before the daughter, which is younger and looks, respectively, better, and he also juggles, as you never dreamed. Most likely, you subconsciously envy. And the envy is a sign of weakness that has never led anything good. Therefore, you annoy on your daughter. Personally, I believe that to reduce the degree of aggression in this case, you should do own appearance. Perhaps I'm a banal and saying uppercase truths, but I know for sure that a woman who likes himself, like others, and belongs to the world around him completely differently. You obviously do not like yourself. So come with a change in the current situation. You have only 44 years old. Just believe that if you wish, you can easily bring your body to a state when those who are 10 less will be envied. The main thing to do. And, accordingly, and find a decent satellite is also real. Then the "problems" of the daughter will go to the background before the appearance of grandchildren. Of course, it is much easier to say than to do. However, everything is possible. The main thing is to want and not lazy. Although, on the other hand, each is becoming worried when he wishes, and life to spoil to the measure of their own views. But is it necessary? In Europe, a woman is about 40, only children give birth, and you already behave like a grandmother.

Hello!
I do not know what to do.
My daughter a year and a half ago, I broke up with a boy (now she is 18 years old). Since then, she has ceased to go out, constantly sitting at home, she has fallen a self-esteem due to scored kilograms (the consequence of what it almost does not move), does not want to go to the institute (he says that there can be no people) smoking. I'm trying to talk to her, she is responsible in a joking or, on the contrary, aggressive form, to the doctor to go refuses, says that it is all good, and then I lie at night and hear how she flies behind the wall.
When I say that on that boy, the wedge did not go away, she just boils her ears.

I was very worried about her and read her virtual diary.
I read and cried. It is very scary - read how my native daughter writes:
"I want to disappear.
Dust out of this world and keep no memory of yourself. "

"At night the exacerbation begins.
The pain is as if inside out everything turned out.
Day is almost normal. Sometimes even laugh.
And at night I really want to die.
I'm scared. I'm afraid of the night, but I can't sleep. Does not work."

"I broke down. At all. It's time for me to throw out on the landfill"

And in every new topic similar thoughts.

That she once wrote about that boy:
"It has passed 8 months and 10 days since we broke up ...
It would seem - so much.
And for me, these 8 months were like 1 day.
Loading scary days. Day without you. "

I am very scary for it. I read how she ordinary and indifferently writes about his death and I want to bind her to myself and not to let go a step.
I'm in despair. Tell me, please, how to behave? How to persuade her to turn to a psychologist?

Irina, Kiev, Ukraine, 40 years

Answer art psychologist:

Hello Irina.

Sincerely, Pugacheva Maria.

Dear Mom, I sympathize with your daughter. Unfortunately, we cannot solve their problems for our children. We can only support them. I can offer you ten ways that help to cope with parting with your loved one. Delicately offer her to try them.

1. First of all, you need to stop all contacts with it. This applies not only to real meetings, but also to communicate in social networks and text messages. It is impossible to forget the person whose page you come every day. As soon as the daughter ceases to be interested in what is happening in his life, and will be engaged in his life, it will immediately feel relieved.

2. We persuade her to try something new. The more interests she has, the less opportunities to think about failed relationships and sorry themselves. Moreover, new hobbies should be useful and positive. Yoga or other types of physical activity are suitable.

3. Try to discuss as little as possible with the daughter of its former. Permanent conversations about it will only strengthen this unhealthy dependence. Any obsessive idea is the path to anxiety, depression and loss of interest in life. Now your daughter cannot clearly explain to himself why the breaking of the relationship happened, but in life something often does not depend on our desires. But such events help us become more resistant and flexible.

4. Do not suggest"Embroidery Wedge Wedge." Do not rush into new relationships, without having come to yourself after the break. Otherwise, the likelihood of new parting and disappointment is great.

5. Remindshe is that she is young and there will be many more events in her life. But try not to devalue what happened to her before. Show that you respect her and consider it important to her relationship and her choice.

6. convinceit is not interested in things former guy In common acquaintances. This leads to new experiences.

7. If these friends themselves seek to tell his daughter about him, Try to convince her that such conversations should be stopped. If she firmly talk about what it is not interesting to her, familiar will tell about this with a common acquaintance, and gradually interest in the personal life of your daughter and her former guy will come to no.

8. Discuss What happens in her life now. Let it try to find at least one event every day for which she is grateful. Gratitude makes us experience positive emotions even in the most difficult periods of life.

9. Talk about friendship And about who from friends to her really roads and is close, with whom she is nice to communicate. Plut it to new acquaintances. New people and topics for conversations are a good antidepressant.