My mother-in-law is my problem, my husband loves her very much. The influence of spouses' parents on their relationship

The son has long become independent, and his mother is still trying to look after him, calling him, giving advice - alas, the situation is so common that millions of women begin to think about how they can get their mother-in-law away from their husband, so that this woman will finally stop interfering in their lives . Today, a professional psychologist gives advice to women on this topic.

How to get your mother-in-law away from your husband and reduce her influence

“I’m married, no children. My problem is my relationship with my mother-in-law. The fact is that I am very independent, I achieved everything in life myself, everything life decisions I accepted without the participation of my parents - that’s how I was raised.

My husband was raised differently; all decisions in his family are made by his mother, both he and his elder sister They are used to “focusing” problems on their mother, who, with tenacity and fighting spirit, rushes into battle and smashes any obstacles in her path, solving any problems with one blow.

And now, when I have my own family, I seem to live independently, separately from my parents and his, I am forced to think about how to get my mother-in-law away from my husband. Out of habit, the husband takes everything “for judgment” to his mother, who, also out of habit, decides with a powerful combat attack.

And all my logical arguments about solving the problem are shattered by her impenetrable “armor” of words: “What are you telling me here, I’ve done this all my life and I’m not going to do it differently.” The relationship with my mother-in-law became unbearable.

The worst thing is that my habit of living independently now interferes with family relationships with my husband. For him, his mother was and remains an indisputable authority, and he motivates everything simply: “She won’t wish me harm - she’s a mother after all!” (some kind of personality cult!)

An attempt to discourage the mother-in-law from her husband and explain to her husband that she sees his current life rather one-sidedly, that she cannot take into account all the nuances, since after all this is our family life, not hers, that she can make mistakes and draw the wrong conclusions, no which didn’t lead to. He either consults with her and his decision is completely her decision, or he refuses to do anything at all, relying on me. The result is conflicts. Dina Vitkovskaya."

Psychologist Elena Poryvaeva answers how to get your mother-in-law away from her husband:

Alas, this cannot be explained to my mother-in-law. Because she basically won’t want to and won’t be able to understand this. In her understanding, her son will always be a little boy who needs his mother's care and mother's advice.

Perhaps you married big baby to be able to remain independent. Because due to our double morality, we often have two extremes: either a macho man who communicates with his wife according to the principle “shut your mouth, woman, when horsemen are talking,” or a man-child who wants to see his wife as a mommy and only for that reason initially ready to listen to her. Of course, there is a “golden mean”, but it must be sought and even created somewhere. And you may have unconsciously preferred one of the extremes.

But now it should be noted that it will be difficult to discourage the mother-in-law from her husband and it is useless to expect such a husband to express his opinion. He simply doesn’t have his own opinion - only his mother’s! In addition, he is completely uncritical of the behavior of his own parent (this condition usually occurs in children from about one to three years old, but in other individuals, as you can see, it sometimes remains for the rest of their lives).

You write that you are trying to teach him. First of all, sorry, it's late. And secondly, as soon as you start teaching and raising him, you immediately cause a natural hostile reaction from your mother-in-law, because you become her rival and competitor - after all, only a mother can raise this child. And you are thus encroaching on her place!

You ask: “How to get your mother-in-law away from her husband and who makes decisions in the family - us or her.” But, excuse me, there is no “we” in your family yet - there is you, your husband and his mother, and your question essentially sounds different - who makes the decisions, you personally or her? That is, you are actually asking your spouse to make a choice between you and your mother. The situation is very dangerous. If only because an infantile boy, being backed up against the wall, will choose his mother only out of a sense of self-defense...

The first option: grab your husband under the arm like a little boy and drag him away from his mother, beyond her reach. That is, in fact, replace the wife’s mother.

The second is divorce.

The third is to become your mother-in-law’s daughter, indulge her in everything and obey her. Then she will stop being afraid of you and begin to love you, but in her own way, just like her son, without giving you any independence.

And the fourth - you mentioned it yourself: learn diplomacy. Don’t shout, excuse me, into trouble, but subtly manipulate the situation.

How to get your mother-in-law away from her future husband

“I’m 28 years old, my boyfriend is a year and a half younger than me, but that’s not the point. We've been together for a year now. We lived in different cities, and I often stayed with him. As a result, my relationship with his mother did not work out, and, despite his crazy love for me, our relationship changed.

I know he loves me and the fact that he respects his mother is important to me, but I constantly feel her influence on our relationship. If earlier she suggested that he leave with me and rent an apartment, now that I live alone, she is offended that he is almost never at home. His mother is a manipulator, I don’t know how to get my mother-in-law away from her future husband and what to do... Alexandra Galuza.”

Psychologist Elena Poryvaeva answers how to get your mother-in-law away from her future husband:

Alexandra, I’m afraid that in this situation your role is that of a passive observer. Interfering in the relationship between your man and his mother is a thankless task. He is almost 27 years old, he is not married and he has a very affectionate relationship with his mother - this already says a lot.

At the very least, I would have a suspicion that this is not the first time that a mother has interfered in her son’s personal life, since most guys at this age are more likely to be “no longer married” than “not yet married.” Not everything, of course, but...

In general, based on the totality of the “symptoms,” it will be difficult to push the mother-in-law away from her husband, because his mother is a manipulator, an owner, who is burdened by the very thought that her “boy” might love someone more than her. Hence your problems with her.

By definition, she will not be able to treat you well, since for her you are a rival who wants to “steal” her “man” from her. The situation is very similar to the love triangle “wife - husband - mistress”.

But “a wife is not a wall,” and in general, in one man’s life there can be many wives, but there can be only one mother. Actually, it is precisely this logic that such mothers operate with. It is curious that they themselves are very afraid of growing old, they do not want grandchildren who will “make them grandmothers,” and the grandchildren who are nevertheless born are treated either coolly or as the children of their son, and not the children of their son and daughter-in-law.

In short, the most you can do is not to discourage your mother-in-law from her husband, but to talk to your man, explaining to him your concerns. Calmly (but sadly) tell him everything you feel: that you don’t want to come between him and his mother, but you also don’t want his mother to come between you.

Ask him how he sees your future together. In this situation, this question is quite appropriate. And what happens next depends only on your man, on how much he loves you and wants to be with you. And, of course, it depends on how psychologically mature he is. If he is a “mama’s boy,” run away from him before it’s too late.

I remember one “train conversation”: a neighbor in the compartment complained about her mother-in-law, who almost every day, under various pretexts, dragged her son over after work. Either her shelf fell, or she twisted her ankle, or she needed to buy some medicine that wasn’t sold in her pharmacy, or something else.

And so almost every day. The woman no longer knew how to get her mother-in-law away from her husband. After work, the husband went straight to “mom”, and appeared at home either very late (mom also fed dinner), or even stayed overnight with her. The situation did not change even after the birth of the child. The husband was still a “son” and remained so.

And all the conversations on the topic “you have your own family; Mom is manipulating you” ended in scandals and the words “Mom always told me that you don’t like her.” I hope you don't find yourself in a similar situation! Good luck to you!

Young women often have to convince themselves that their husband’s mother creates an unfavorable environment in the family. Family psychologist I often have to listen to young women with little marriage experience or newlyweds who are sure that “my mother-in-law is turning my husband against me.”

The advice of a psychologist should not be general and vague recommendations, because in each specific situation there are certain nuances, and both sides of the conflict can often escalate tension.

The existing relationship in which the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are friends is, in fact, so atypical that it is not worth mentioning in this case. Daughter-in-law and mother-in-law family conflict- these are two warring parties, between which there is rarely peace.

IN the best option- armed neutrality. The bone of contention becomes a man who is unable to make the alternative choice offered to him: “either I or your mother,” “either I or this adventuress.”

He needs both a wife and a mother, and a mature man tries to achieve consensus without pitting his beloved women against each other. An emotionally immature “mama’s boy”, who is in adulthood under the heel of an overbearing mother, will prefer the one who gave birth to him. But if the palm is given to the wife, to the detriment of the husband’s feelings for his mother, one should not delude himself either: this is a henpecked man of a different emotional type, striving to break free from under one dominant and immediately resorting to another.

This is an even more problematic option, because after a while he will calmly leave his wife if he meets another attachment, emotional or physical.

For a person who grew up in normal family, there is always a need to create your own. It is not surprising that he does not want to lose the family in which he grew up, so it is difficult to expect that a mature man will take the side of one of his women and unconditionally refuse the second.

The paradox that invariably arises when a mother-in-law turns her son against a woman who is completely stranger to her is easy to understand if you understand a few general points:

• she does not feel warm feelings towards her daughter-in-law, who suddenly appeared in her life, because she is not connected to her either emotionally or physically;
• no merits of the future wife of his beloved son will force him to change his attitude towards her, and it is better not to trump them;
• the younger and more beautiful the son’s chosen one is, the stronger the dislike for her by a woman who is on the threshold of menopause, figuratively speaking, on the threshold of old age;
• the more the son loves his daughter-in-law, the more the mother’s jealousy flares up, because before her child belonged only to her;
• if a woman experienced the same hostile attitude from her husband’s mother at the beginning of her marriage, she is convinced that she must somehow recoup the moral suffering she suffered in her youth;
• in a rich family, the mother-in-law is always confident in the mercantile motives of her future relative, in a poor family, she experiences hatred and envy towards her because of her own poverty or disadvantage;
• if you stand on the same level with her and start a war or compromise and surrender unconditionally in order to save your beloved husband, after 20 years, having your own son, you can turn into the same hated person for his beloved wife.

The husband's mother climbs into family life her son, because she loves her child and hates the woman who, in her opinion, unjustifiably took him away and undeservedly got him.

She is not obliged to love her rival, who has taken a place in the heart of her boy, which previously belonged only to her.

Internet meme: A son and his wife through the eyes of his mother-in-law(photo from left). Even if she is an intelligent, tactful, well-mannered and delicate woman, she cannot do anything about nature. Maternal jealousy directed against the daughter-in-law leads to this. that she is at war with her rival, complains to her son about her in order to win her back to her side, and naturally experiences hostility.

The problem is that a mother-in-law who is smart, tactful, sensitive and well-mannered is extremely rare. If you come across one, you need to protect and cherish it. She hides her hostility with all her might, is ashamed of the feelings she experiences and understands their natural nature.

Therefore, she is friends with her son’s chosen one or maintains strong neutrality.

The rest, who do not have the undeniable advantages of an ideal mother-in-law, are divided into 3 conventional types:

• an unfriendly aggressor, waging open war and destroying marriages, using any methods, including unscrupulous and openly hostile;
• a benevolent monster of a pleasant appearance and charming manners, demonstrating his merits in every possible way and belittling the valuable qualities of his son’s chosen one, supposedly with the best intentions;
• an insidious imitator of neutrality, trying to quarrel between his son and daughter-in-law gradually, acting with ostentatious non-interference, which in fact has an even more destructive effect, being on a hidden level.

Oddly enough, in any case, a family relations specialist has to give similar advice, because there are only two ways that can solve the problem.

The first, from the point of view of a psychologist, is only the spheres of influence on the husband, and the determination of the acceptable boundaries of interference in the affairs of a young family on the part of the parents. The second is to establish a good relationship with your mother-in-law, or at least the appearance of one.

What to do if your mother-in-law ruins your relationship with your husband

Basic strategy in normal family relationships works about the same, and contains several points that need to be adhered to.

An open war with dragging a common man to either side will not work, because the mother is always alone, and the son has a long history of joint relationships with her.

Therefore, you should delimit spheres of influence, and if the husband does not want to deal with this problem, do it yourself. Talk to your mother-in-law and clearly explain to her the extent to which she is allowed to interfere in your new family.

There is no need to mention that this rule should work on mutual terms, and the wife’s parents should be given the same boundaries.

The rule is that my mother is smart, but yours needs to be discouraged, you need to forget. If conditions of non-interference are imposed on one side, then the second should also be defined within equivalent boundaries.

Talk to your husband and try to explain your feelings to him so that he understands what we are talking about, but do not dump negativity on him. Just talk clearly about your experiences, without trying to denigrate or humiliate his mother. Any type of mother-in-law cannot be weaned off at once and instantly.

You will have to repeatedly defend your right through negotiations and reminders. But this should be done calmly, firmly and correctly, under no circumstances showing the emotions being experienced. This will not bring much benefit, but it will give the mother-in-law pleasure and give a reason to demonstrate ill health, which is often used to cleverly manipulate sons. The main thing is not pressure and not establishing an alternative - me or her.

Constructive dialogue with your husband and parents on both sides will bring much more benefit.

How to establish a good relationship with your mother-in-law

You need to try to do this, and preferably in such a way that your husband understands and feels it. After politely and firmly delineating acceptable spheres of influence, this will require a lot of effort.

Show your respect for her opinion and ask for advice on various occasions. Praise her son and talk about his merits.

Under no circumstances should you speak negatively about your mother-in-law in front of her son or about your son in front of his mother, even if there are specific reasons for dissatisfaction. It's no use because she will always be on his side. Do not give reasons for complaints and run the household in such a way that there is nothing to complain about (although there will still be a reason).

Don't turn the children against her, because sooner or later they will spill the beans.

In this video, the psychologist will give you several useful tips How to improve relationships with your mother-in-law:

Find with mother in law mutual language very difficult, especially if you have to live with her. If it doesn’t work out at all, then at least maintain the appearance of good neighborly relations, clearly stipulating all the points that may constitute the causes of conflicts, and develop tactics of behavior depending on the type of mother-in-law, which you will have to determine for yourself. What do you think about this?

Hello! please help, I don’t know what to do. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, we gave birth to two boys, the eldest is 3 years old and the youngest is 1 year old. I am on maternity leave, my eldest son goes to kindergarten. I hate my mother-in-law. When I met my husband’s parents, there was nothing hostile. His parents treated me calmly and on my part they also treated my friendship with my future husband well.

When I became pregnant they decided to have a wedding and then I already began to notice that my husband’s parents were unhappy. And then the question became where will we live? My husband's parents have a very large house, but it was not completed, and my husband and his father built it together. They also had 2 apartments, which they sold to complete the construction of this house, as a result, the father-in-law squandered the money on all sorts of his interests and the house still stands... there is enough work there for a lifetime and a lot of money is needed. My husband’s parents offered to live with them to help them or so that we could earn money for housing ourselves, like they did. They also have a daughter, she lives with her family in a 1-room apartment. This apartment was inherited from my grandmother-in-law, i.e. This is the mother-in-law's apartment.

My husband and I had to rent a separate apartment, because... I felt very bad in someone else's house. but when there was no money at all, they came to live with my parents. My parents had a 3-room apartment. Then we had to exchange it and give us a share so that we could take out a mortgage. At the same time, my husband’s father died, and my mother-in-law was for us to live with her. While we were collecting documents and drawing up a deal, and the apartment was only supposed to be rented out in half a year, we had to live with her...

So our troubles began... My mother-in-law transferred the entire household to my husband. They decide everything together i.e. financially and domestically. My husband takes his mother everywhere. My mother-in-law doesn't give me any credit. My mother-in-law wants my husband to finish building her house, then supposedly a house, a car and a lot of other things would go to my husband, but there are no guarantees, his sister is also there, she said that she is not going to give up anything. And the mother-in-law is not going to do any documents, because... believes that I can take away their property after the divorce if we get a divorce. When I started living with my mother-in-law, I felt very bad, I started getting depressed, I had no one to talk to, because... I didn’t have any friends there, and I couldn’t invite anyone to visit. I began to cry very often, I only communicated with my son. My husband and I started having scandals and fights. He categorically defended his mother, laughed off my requests and demands and did not react, I said I was not henpecked. I was very sad and hurt. There was no happiness in this house. I practically didn’t talk to my mother-in-law and she didn’t want to get close to me. There was a situation where my father-in-law and mother-in-law insulted me and my family, humiliated me and beat me. I understood her over the years of knowing my husband and my desire not to communicate with her at all. She fell in my eyes, she greatly disappointed me. This woman is deceitful, two-faced, only to have everything for her and she gave birth to and raised a son for herself. It seems to me that we are jealous of my husband, and she of her son. We end up dividing it. What to do? What should I do? When our apartment gave up, I moved with tears and scandals, my husband said that he couldn’t leave my mother alone and I’m very bad... I live alone with two children, the apartment is under mortgage, my husband comes and takes us to his house for the weekend, as he says, there we and our children communicate with dad. He no longer participates in raising children and does not help me. I don’t see any money from him, he buys us food and necessary things, about 3 thousand a month and pays for the mortgage. It turns out that my children and I live on benefits youngest son, and he says I need to finish building the house and I’m creating inconvenience for him. He loves his mother very much. He persuades me to live with him there, he says he’ll put me behind the wheel, you’ll drive, he says don’t pay attention to your mother. I can’t get over myself and don’t believe him. He also looks at his interests. I feel very good at home and I don’t want to move in with his mother. We don't have a family. We have a separate husband and his mother and me and the children. But still, when we are alone, we have feelings of love, passion and we really want to live together, but we cannot... Help!

- a frequent question that can be found on the Internet in various psychological communities.

Harmonious relationships between husband and wife is painstaking work in which both take part. But what to do if a “third wheel” - the husband’s mother - constantly gets into the relationship?

Year after year, many women face the same problem: the husband obeys his mother in everything, the mother-in-law constantly manipulates her son, gets into conflicts and, perhaps, even turns her child against her daughter-in-law.
The problem of how to get a mother-in-law away from her husband is, in fact, global in nature. Often, conflicts with mother-in-law become the cause of relationship breakdown and even divorce.

I have been married for about 5 years, after the wedding my husband and I lived with my mother-in-law (she is divorced). After constant conflicts with her (she always meddled in our affairs, even when we quarreled with my husband), I barely persuaded my husband to move to live separately, but six months have passed, and at the slightest problem my husband is going to move in with his mother again. I don’t know what to do, we have a small son. His mother-in-law constantly tells him that she is sad to live alone. I don't want to step on the same rake. But divorce is not a way out of the situation, but I no longer see any other way out of this situation. How to get your mother-in-law away from her husband?

HOW TO GET YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW AWAY FROM YOUR HUSBAND? LET'S LOOK INTO CHILDHOOD...

Such strange relationships are possible only between a skin-visual (or with a bright skin-visual ligament) mother and an anal-visual son. The fact is that skin-visual women lack maternal instinct: very often they create a very strong emotional connection with their child, similar to the connection between a man and a woman. She is jealous of him, just as a woman is jealous of her man, and constantly calls him: “Where are you? How are you I feel bad without you!

Anal-visual boys deserve a separate topic of conversation about how to get a mother-in-law away from her husband.

Obedient, flexible. For them, mother is the most important word in the world. The most sacred, the most beloved. Relationships with the mother are of great importance for a child with an anal vector and largely determine future relationships with women. Lack of care and attention on the part of the mother can become the root of serious resentment and the cause of unsuccessful relationships in the future. But overprotection and the suffocating love of a mother are also destructive for such a child.
Often it is the skin-visual mother who grows up with a son with a “good boy” complex. Praise, which is very important for any person with an anal vector, becomes a means of manipulation for his mother. An anal-visual child who really wants to be loved can become dependent on praise and approval if he goes too far all the time. His entire meaning in life begins to boil down to the desire to be good (and good, first of all, for his mother). He is afraid of doing something wrong, afraid of what may cause disapproval from others, afraid of refusing people, of saying “no”. Such a person is easy to “use” for his own selfish interests.

HOW TO GET YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW AWAY FROM YOUR HUSBAND? THERE WAS A SON, BECAME... A HUSBAND

A mother’s skin-visual perception often becomes the determining factor in how her “golden boy” behaves. The boys invite you to go for a walk, but your mother is against it? I'll stay at home. I want to go to another city to get an education, but my mother is clutching her heart? I will not go. Mom doesn't like my girlfriend? This means that something is really wrong. Anal-visual boys do not like to upset their mother: moreover, they are subconsciously afraid that if they do not behave as their mother expects of them, they will not be loved.

A not very developed skin-visual mother, who has created a very strong emotional connection with her son, often tries to eliminate all possible threats to break this connection: be it friends or a girlfriend. Her son seems to be on a leash next to her until his old age. Any attempts to “break away from mother’s skirt” are accompanied by a one-man show and emotional blackmail. “Friends are more important to you than your mother,” “Go, son, your happiness is more important... oh... my heart ached,” “You will leave and forget about your old mother. At least come to the grave.”

How can I get my mother-in-law away from her husband? After all, the skin-visual mother hits the sickest, constantly presses on pity and plays on the feeling of guilt. To all this is added an innate theatrical talent, and... as soon as the son “gets out of hand” and tries to act on his own, fainting, heart problems, tears and lamentations begin, with the obligatory prediction of his imminent death.

It often happens that an anal-visual son still marries (despite all the mother’s tears). And everything seems to be fine, but this same mother-in-law is constantly interfering with the relationship. She doesn’t want to be left alone (fear of the visual vector), so she asks her son and daughter-in-law to live with her. And then it begins... The daughter-in-law becomes an eternal “scapegoat”: she cooks wrong, washes wrong, and does everything wrong. The mother constantly makes herself known, compares herself with her daughter-in-law, shows all the shortcomings of the second. Daughter-in-law - main enemy for the skin-visual mother-in-law, because she took her son away, she became the reason for the weakening of the emotional connection. “Now you don’t need a mother!” - endless reproaches are poured down on the son, who seems to live between two fires. Harmonious relationships turn into a series of squabbles and scandals, the instigator of most of which is the mother-in-law.

HOW TO GET YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW AWAY FROM YOUR HUSBAND? CHICKEN RUNNAY

The only way to save the relationship is to move into a separate apartment. But the skin-visual mother-in-law will not just let her “precious boy” go, because for her this means a complete severance of the emotional connection. Constant calls, crying, health complaints, requests to come back... And our golden boy will suffer again and again and burn with guilt, try to move back to his mother.

Then what should we do? Is it really not possible to make sure that “the wolves are fed and the sheep are safe”? There is, of course, the first step to solving the problem - realizing the reason for such a relationship between a mother and her son. After all, if the husband understands that he is being manipulated, he will stop reacting to emotional blackmail from his mother. How to get your mother-in-law away from her husband? - help her understand herself!

It is best to help the mother-in-law understand the reasons for her behavior: for example, give her the opportunity to undergo training on System-vector psychology. Because in this situation there are no right and wrong, there are no victims and villains: there are simply people who, due to certain circumstances, got confused, chose the wrong solution to the problem, which led to certain consequences.

How to get your mother-in-law away from her husband? There are no unsolvable situations. The step to solving any problem is the same: know yourself and others.

Songs are written, films are made, and plays are staged about the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Thousands of new families are created every day. And almost every family has the same problems: “unbearable mother-in-law.”

Notice they don’t say “unbearable daughter-in-law.” Because the well-being of the family hearth is in the hands of the daughter-in-law. It depends on the daughter-in-law how her relationship with her mother-in-law will develop. The main thing in all this is not to start a conflict from the first day of acquaintance. To avoid this, we wrote this article especially for you. So, how to mend a damaged relationship with your mother-in-law?

2 main rules for a daughter-in-law:

1. First What a daughter-in-law needs to understand in a relationship with a “difficult mother-in-law” is that the mother-in-law is not fighting with her, but for the place that the daughter-in-law now occupies in her son’s heart. Previously, his mother was the main woman in his heart, now his wife. There is no need to try to replace your husband’s mother, take your place in his life, the place of a wife.

2. Second, don’t forget, constant complaints to your husband about your mother-in-law, her words and behavior negatively affect your relationship with him, but not his relationship with his mother. If you can improve your relationship with your mother-in-law, you will see your husband breathe a sigh of relief (maybe he will even tell you about it). After all, he is also a person and it was hard for him too all this time that you were fighting.

The main misconception of daughters-in-law is that we all believe that now all the attention and love of our husband is devoted only to us, and mother is a thing of the past. The son has grown up and now he has new woman in life. ALWAYS put yourself in your mother-in-law's shoes! After all, it was this woman who raised the man you fell in love with and married.

Golden mother-in-law

1. If you live in different apartments. Of course, living in the same territory will have the most unfavorable effect on your relationship with your mother-in-law. This has been tested repeatedly by the experience of many families. Well, what can you do, because sometimes a young family has nowhere else to go except to the parental home.

With rare exceptions, living in the same apartment, you will live together. Because there are at least 2 housewives in the kitchen, different food preferences, and their own cleaning schedules.

Agree, sometimes after 6 days of work you want to come home and relax a little, put your feet up on the sofa, and watch a couple of episodes of your favorite TV series, and put off cleaning until Sunday morning. But your mother-in-law may not appreciate such behavior and consider you a slob, a lazy person, etc.

1. She still has children. You will undoubtedly be lucky if your husband is not the only child of his mother. And it would be even better if he had a sister. Then his mother will be more tolerant and restrained, since she is both mother-in-law and mother-in-law.
2. If your mother-in-law is a mega busy person. She has her own business or is always passionate about her favorite activities. In this case, she simply will not have time to think about making comments to you. She will most likely bore you with her stories about hobbies or work, but not with the fact that Olezhik has a dirty shirt or that you are swaddling her grandson incorrectly.

If you have such a mother-in-law, then congratulations. You are very lucky! Further information in the article is not for you, but for those who have not a mother-in-law, but a monster.

There may be difficulties if:

1. You and your husband live in the same apartment with your mother-in-law.
2. Your husband only child in family.
3. Your husband is a late and long-awaited child.
4. His mother raised him alone, working 3 jobs.
5. My mother-in-law is retired and has no interests or hobbies.

From the first time you meet, find out from your mother-in-law how she wants you to call her: by her first name, patronymic (most priority), “mom,” or simply Lena, as well as “you” or “you.” For some mothers, this may be a fundamental issue.

How to live with your mother-in-law

1. Politeness kills on the spot. Do not be fooled by provocations, always be polite and tactful.

2. Find common interests. Yes, sometimes this can be difficult to do because of the difference in age, life principles, etc. But it’s worth a try! Maybe your mother-in-law does not accept being treated like a person from the last century. Maybe she strives to be on par with young people: she loves shopping, watching modern sitcoms, going to training or doing yoga, etc. Invite her to the theater, go shopping or to the spa together. After all, she is also a woman and nothing feminine is alien to her.

3. Under no circumstances complain to your husband about your mother-in-law! It is difficult for him to take sides. Even if she was a bad mother and her relationship with her son was not always ideal, he will still love her, just as your child loves you. He will try to remain neutral, but in the end he will not stand it, and this will affect your relationship with him, and not his relationship with his mother.

Even if the husband himself does not speak flatteringly about his mother, most often he does not allow other people to do this, even his beloved wife.

It is even more dangerous to put your husband before a choice: either me or your mother. One woman raised him for 30 years, poured her soul into it, and he loves the other with all his soul. A man can have many wives, but only one mother. This is only your war with her, and the main weapon in it is your cunning!

In my friend’s family, the mother could not calm down that her son was taken away by SOMEONE. She went to great lengths: she faked migraines, fainting spells, seizures, in general, she did everything so that her son would gallop home. And what?! Ultimately, this respectable uncle, successful in his profession, returned to his mother’s wing, and the relationship broke down.

Even if you rarely communicate with your mother-in-law, still call her and ask about her affairs. Tell your news briefly, ask her more.

Remember the main rule: everyone loves talking about themselves!

Invite her to lunch or for a walk, of course she is unlikely to agree, but you can safely tell your husband that you are calling his mother, are interested in her affairs, and are inviting her to visit. And the next time she complains to her son about how ungrateful and generally a bitch you are, her husband will understand that this is not so, because you were the first to make contact. 1:0 in your favor!

4. Mothers-in-law, whose golden boy was “torn from her breast,” find it very difficult to bear when they are no longer needed by their now adult son. And then some girl tied him up. Therefore, the main disarming effect in this situation will be that you show her that she is not abandoned and is not indifferent to you. Call her yourself: on your birthday, before your arrival, or just to get advice on what to buy your father-in-law for his anniversary. It costs you nothing, but it pleases her.

5. Don't build a coalition with the husband's sister or the husband's brother's wife, against the obnoxious mother-in-law. The situation here is unstable and may turn against you. Of course, you can, from time to time, discuss Elena Pavlovna’s stories, but do not make joint plans to ignore or take revenge.

6. Praise your mother-in-law and/or her son more often. It seems that you have nothing to thank her for, because you can’t find such a shrew! Let your praise be even for small things, for example, “it’s probably thanks to Olezhik’s mother that she cooks pilaf so deliciously” or “if it weren’t for Elena Pavlovna, I wouldn’t have realized that I needed to take a spare suit for my son on the road.” Even if it’s hard for you to say all this. Gritting your teeth, smile at her, praise her. In the end, this will make you feel better that you haven’t ruined your mood again.

7. Compliment your mother-in-law more often. Even if here it seems to you that she did not deserve compliments for her boorish behavior. This will discourage her. The more often you practice this, the faster you will learn to compliment her naturally, and as a result you will get good attitude to you and approval of your relationship.

You can compliment her salad or the delicious tea she treated you to last time, or how beautiful her hair looked at the wedding, how did she achieve that hair color?! In general, think! This is your weapon in the program of strengthening family relationships.

Even if the relationship has deteriorated already at the initial stage, it is never too late to pull yourself together, grit your teeth, forget your principles for 5 minutes, call and ask your mother-in-law “where she bought that coffee,” even if you hate coffee.

8. Don't complain about your mother-in-law's husband. Thus, you convey to her the information “you raised a worthless man.”

9. Don’t involve children in conflict. Children are children. It's not their fault that you are fighting with their grandmother. And even more so, they don’t understand why they should communicate with her less. Even if the relationship is unbearable, do not prohibit children from communicating with their grandmother. In addition, the mother-in-law will be pleased if her grandson comes to her and says that he drew this drawing for her, and his mother helped him (of course, if there is no devil on wheels).

10. But you don’t need to be too frank with your mother-in-law.. If the relationship deteriorates, all knowledge about you will turn against you and will be used by your mother-in-law on the battlefield.

11. Be wise, tolerant, cunning and learn to compromise. Help your mother-in-law with something, for example, take her home from the hospital or help with seedlings in the country. Good deeds lift your spirits, and besides, you may need her help someday. But there is no need to sacrifice your interests either. Learn to tactfully and politely refuse if you really don't feel comfortable helping her at the moment.

12. Avoid getting personal and conflict situations generally. Grit your teeth, assent, agree that you are a worthless woman, this will discourage your mother-in-law. She simply will not continue the argument, as she will be disarmed.

13. Do not under any circumstances interfere with your husband’s communication with his mother.. Don't dictate to him when and how much he should communicate with her. Remember: mom is mom. Parents are not chosen.

By accepting your husband, you accept his entire family: mom, dad, grandmother, brothers, etc.

Golden rules that will help you improve your relationship with your mother-in-law.

What should I do if I don’t want to communicate with my mother-in-law? More on this in the next video!