What should I do if my husband raised his hand to me? Why does a man raise his hand to a woman?
Domestic violence: what to do if a husband raises his hand against his wife?
Types of domestic fighters
Psychology studying the problem of domestic tyranny has divided such men into two types.
"Pitbull"
He will certainly end even the most insignificant quarrel with assault. When he first takes on this role, he apologizes for every fight, but over time, scandals become a habit, single blows turn into brutal beating of his wife.
He is getting the hang of it, it is useless to explain to him what his ugly behavior entails. Aggression becomes second nature to him.
Experts explain it this way: a man begins to depend on the wife he beats. He is tormented by a feeling of guilt, which he drowns out with more and more fights.
For this type of domestic sadist, reasons for fighting are not needed. These are people with a disturbed psyche; they themselves cannot find a clear explanation for their outbursts of anger.
This type will not even spare a pregnant woman. The hardest thing is for the wife, who is not able to sense in advance when her husband is preparing to attack her.
This happened for the first time...
The woman is stunned by what happened: her beloved raised his hand for the first time, he hit me, my beloved and only yesterday! After such a dramatic incident, the first thing you need to do is calm down. Give yourself and your husband time to analyze the situation.
Perhaps this is an accident that will never happen again. If the husband also evaluates what happened, he will immediately understand how terrible his behavior was. He will definitely apologize.
A woman should show wisdom. Remember what the relationship was like parental family husband If fighting flourished there, it meant he was following in his father's footsteps. And that’s why, most likely, such wild scenes will be repeated in the future.
If in childhood he was spared the horrific scenes of his mother’s beating, then one can believe that his breakdown was an accident. The wife should forgive her husband, provided that repeating such an act will completely destroy the relationship in the family.
How to stop a domestic tyrant?
We must honestly admit: someone who hits once rarely stops there. Does a man beat his wife mercilessly and regularly? This means we need to look for ways to stop it.
In Russia there are no services designed to help women when they become victims of domestic violence. Perhaps only the police and the ambulance, and even then you have to count on them in the most difficult cases. And also psychology, which can help with advice.
Therefore, even a pregnant wife should rely only on her own strength. What should her line of behavior be?
1. Yes, at first there will be heart-to-heart conversations about the unacceptable behavior of the husband. If he understands everything correctly, it would be a good idea for the spouses to visit a specialist psychologist together, who will analyze why the marital relationship developed this way. It will help the husband get rid of the bad habit of taking out evil on his wife.
If a man does not accept this option, then the woman is unlikely to cope on her own. After all, the husband does not want to change his wild habits
2. In general, a woman from the first year family life must know that she should never, in any situation, be subjected to assault.
3. A woman must first of all have dignity and respect for her own person.
4. When your husband hit you for the first time, hysterics will not help. You should pack your things and leave the house. A man must understand that she rejects such a relationship, firmly declaring: “This does not suit me.”
5. What to do if a husband raises his hand against his wife regularly and no words help? There is only one way out - to leave him forever. Even if the love for him has not died in your soul, you need to decide on this. Otherwise, both your life and the female psyche will be crippled by humiliation.
Declare war on the tyrant
Let's remember the classic of the genre, the American dramatic thriller film "Enough is Enough." The heroine, a young woman played by Jennifer Lopez, at first glance has a quite prosperous family. Wealthy husband, beloved daughter.
But gradually the happiness collapses: the husband turned out to be not only unfaithful, but also aggressive. He regularly beats his young wife.
The heroine's patience runs out, she and her daughter leave the house. And he decides: I won’t allow them to beat me anymore, I will take revenge on the monster. Trains the body, strengthens willpower.
And in the end, she repaid her husband in kind: she made him feel why such humiliation is felt by a person who has become a victim of a domestic tyrant.
Indeed, the easiest way is to complain to your friends: “My husband beat me.” Where is the resilience of character, the fortitude that will allow you to get rid of beatings? After all, it depends only on you whether you will tolerate this situation or decide to change!
Hide from the bully at home
Hardly weak woman physically cope with an angry man. If you do not have the opportunity to leave your home - the only home where your common children grow up, it is worth starting a fight not only for your own rights, but also for the well-being of your children.
You can’t change such people, they won’t even spare a pregnant wife, they will cripple both her and her unborn child. This means that everything depends on the woman, she must declare: “I will no longer allow them to beat me and my children.”
Why doesn't she start taking self-defense classes? In such a tense home environment, the learned techniques may well come in handy. Learn not to react to your husband’s outright provocations; it is better at this time to pick up the children and leave home for a while. In any case, she must pretend that her husband’s attacks do not affect her.
It’s good if the house has a room with secure doors that are locked from the inside. This will be a refuge during scandals. It is advisable for a woman to always have mobile phone. Try to find another place to live and get a job. Living under the same roof with an aggressive husband is dangerous for you and your children!
If renting an apartment or room is too expensive at first, ask friends or relatives to help with housing while you are looking for work.
How should a woman behave if you are still in the same house?
Some psychology tips. What to do if a husband beats his wife mercilessly and regularly?
1. At the very beginning of a quarrel, noticing that the situation is “heating up,” you should not go into the kitchen, bathroom or other rooms where there are corners and sharp objects.
2. You need to find a temporary shelter in advance where you can hide from the fighter. Perhaps your local crisis center will offer assistance.
3. Don't hide. Call the police on the phone, screaming that my husband could kill me. The duty of law enforcement officers is to protect the weak and make the tyrant think about why he shouldn’t offend his wife and children.
4. If the beatings have left bruises and abrasions on the body and face, contact the “ Ambulance" They will not only help the woman, but will also take care of nervous system brawler.
5. If you have to leave home for a long time or forever, a woman should have the necessary things, money, documents, and valuable jewelry ready.
6. Domestic scandals and beatings do not pass without leaving a mark on a woman’s psyche. Therefore, it is imperative to resort to the help of psychology, which will gradually eliminate the consequences of moral trauma.
They say that a man who raises his hand against a woman will always beat her. But we will not only talk about scoundrels who tyrannize their families and take matters to crime. Let's look at all the situations, even those in which women themselves are to blame.
When you meet someone, you don’t immediately understand what is hidden behind a man’s soul. If he is a brutal and bearded biker in tattoos, this does not mean that he is a tyrant of all women. And vice versa - a bespectacled nerd is not always a good girl. Someone else's soul is initially so dark that it can only be enlightened through long-term communication.
If you start dating a man, then pay attention to some of his points that indicate an aggressive nature:
He loves to argue. And so that he has the last word. In an argument, he is the first to begin to raise his tone and even his facial expressions begin to frighten him - his face is distorted, his eyes seem to be bloodshot.
He begins to prohibit everything. Don't smoke - it's harmful, don't laugh - it's uncivilized, don't eat sweets - it makes you fat. And sometimes the demands are completely absurd and without explanation. Just so that the girl would obey him.
He is terribly jealous. And indiscriminately - even to a pole. No matter how you justify yourself that you are faithful to him even in your thoughts, he will still find a reason to blame you. He'll dream up something himself.
And even if at first he didn’t even take a swing at you, he’s still “boiling” for it.
And then the first “bell” came - it struck. And for any reason of disobedience. This is such a punishment to supposedly “knock the crap out of your head.”
The most correct decision would be to immediately break up with this scoundrel. This is a terrible person - he takes advantage of the weak, apparently due to some kind of complex of his own. And even if just such a man swears that he does not beat women, this is an accident and you need to forgive him - don’t do it. This will happen again, and more than once.
You will read about some more oddities in the behavior of the aggressor in.
There are women who are called "freak magnets." These are living punching bags that are attracted to antisocial men with bad character. They don't need positive righteous people.
And here’s an interesting thing: such a woman has the opportunity to run away from the man who raised his hand to her, file an application, break off the relationship, but she does not do this. When the bastard goes too far and beats her until she bleeds, she still goes to the police, but then withdraws the statement. To the question “Why?” she has a lot of excuses:
- I'm afraid of him! He will find me and kill me!
- I feel sorry for him! He cried so much and swore that this would not happen again!
- I love him! He will be lost without me!
- What about the children? They need a father!
- Who else needs me if not him? I'm afraid to be alone!
She doesn’t care how the children live in such a terrible family, how the next assault scandal might end, just “I love, I regret, I’m afraid!”
And here’s another thing: even if all her relatives and friends pull such a woman out of this madhouse and bring her to her senses, she will get bored. She will be introduced to good man, who not only won’t raise his hand, but also doesn’t know how to shout, she will immediately squint—that’s not right.
She needs these passions - to be a victim, almost a masochist. Soon this woman will run back to that tyrant or find someone like him: an aggressive brawler. Her relatives will already give up on her - what to do with her if she likes it?
If you are in the same position, maybe stop torturing yourself, your family and your children? Think about it, but here’s an article to help you: . There is a chapter about your situation.
When the wife in the family is a blast
There are other families too. There is not much aggression in them, and the man, the head of the family, is not a bad guy. But his wife provokes him to such actions that he himself is surprised - how can he live with such a woman?
She herself is an aggressor. If there is shouting, swearing and breaking of dishes in the house, then the source is clear: the wife is raging, but the husband is patient for now. He doesn’t raise his hand to her - he can bang his fist on the wall in anger, throw the hysterical woman away from him if she grabbed his hair in a fit of rage.
Moreover, the provocation from this woman comes not only in a verbal altercation. Her behavior itself is terrible:
She may disappear from home, abandoning her children and turning off her phone. Her husband finds her drunk with her friends in the company of men.
She is blowing the family budget, even if it was the last money for food. She is selfish - I can go on a diet, and you can do as you wish.
She says nasty things about her husband's relatives. She tramples his father's mother, sister, and brother into the dirt, because for her they are all the scum of society.
Even many women are in solidarity - how can one not crack? But various kinds of man-haters will definitely brand the guy: he leaves his family - he’s a bastard, he pushes away his fierce wife - he’s a tyrant, he can’t pacify her - he’s a coward.
But such bitches sometimes really deserve a push, a kick, and a slap in the face - to at least pacify them. When you no longer have the strength to morally fight the hysterical woman, who herself, first, with improvised means, is ready to kill her patient husband.
If you recognize yourself in such a bitch, then this article will be very useful to you. Learn to be a real woman.
Why you need to break with the tyrant
If you and your guy are still in the candy-bouquet period, but you already feel those first “bells” described above, then try to change the situation right away. Don’t bend to his rules and demands, set your own firm conditions.
Perhaps it is then that the very case will arise: he will either swing or hit you. Don’t try to answer him in kind by getting into a fight. You are in different weight categories with him, and this is what the bastard needs - to stage a grandiose fight and thereby prove which of you is stronger and who must submit.
What should your actions be:
Leave immediately. You should not sort things out with someone who is already in the heat of the moment. Do not provoke the villain to further actions.
Don't answer calls or messages. Let him calm down and mature for his apologies.
Don't respond to pleas for forgiveness. Even if he tracked you down somewhere, fell to his knees, tell him that you will think about it.
You really need time to rethink everything that happened. While you are not completely in love yet, you have a chance to break up with the scoundrel. But you might as well believe in his vows, and for a while, he really will be a good boy.
But after a couple of weeks, everything is the same again: he sets conditions, provokes you and himself into a quarrel, and again his fist flies into your face. But that’s all for sure! This was your “second rake”. And they will always repeat themselves like circles of hell.arrow_left Still from the film “In Bed with the Enemy”
Where do such tyrants come from?
Perhaps all the problems began with his childhood - he looked at the scandalous life of his parents, where fights in the family were the norm. He also collected a whole collection of complexes for himself: self-doubt and low self-esteem.
That's it, and in any case, the weakest for this will really be a punching bag. And the weakest for him are either his wife or his own children. He will take out all the failures in life, troubles at work, and grievances against people on them. Do you need it?
Finally - an unusual technique
Let's do a thought experiment.
Imagine that you have the superpower to “read” men. It’s like Sherlock Holmes: you look at a man and you immediately know everything about him and understand what’s on his mind. You would hardly be reading this article now in search of a solution to your problem - you would not have any problems in your relationship at all.
And who said that this is impossible? Of course, you can’t read other people’s thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.
We advise you to pay attention to the master class from Nadezhda Mayer. She is a candidate of psychological sciences, and her technique has helped many girls feel loved and receive gifts, attention and care.
If interested, you can sign up for a free webinar. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 seats specifically for visitors to our site.
“Marriages are made in heaven” is nothing more than an archaic saying in modern life, because according to statistics, about 50% of couples break up their marital relationship, and 30% of them are young couples. The reasons for divorce are different in every family. In this article, I propose the topic of breaking up a relationship after physical violence by a husband, and teach how to move on.
The famous phrase “hitting means loving” is not evidence of romance in marriage, but rather the beginning of a criminal article about domestic violence.
Of course, in each family there can be individual reasons and, often, the wife can behave in an outrageous way, betray the man in a low way, and in such cases she fully deserves her slap in the face (a man is also a person with feelings, and his cup of patience can burst).
In addition, I will indicate that in the article we will consider the use of brute force and cruelty, leading to bruises, swelling, and deep mental trauma. I do not classify cases of a well-deserved slap in the face, shaking to bring a woman to her senses and throwing washed clothes in her direction as “raised his hand.” There must always be a balance and we will not execute a man without reason.
Reasons why a husband raises his hand to his wife
There are certain signs that show your future or current husband's tendency to use force:
1. As a child, your husband was a difficult teenager and found himself involved in brawls, served time in colonies, etc.;
2. In the husband's family, regular beatings by the father of the mother and children are considered the norm and a means of educating the household;
3. The spouse is a strict owner who forbids you to “move and breathe” without his knowledge;
4. As happened to one of my friends, the husband became aggressive and raised his hand against his wife for the first time after suffering a serious brain injury;
5. The beloved is a lover of alcoholic beverages and, when intoxicated, shows excessive aggression, clings to words, etc.
6. Your husband is inclined to assert himself in the family through commanding affirmations: “I am the head of the family, you will all walk to the line” or “Be quiet, Maria, no one gave you a word.” I think you will recognize your own similar situation in these examples.
What awaits you after a divorce from such a despot?
It is always difficult to make such a decision, especially if these cases were like thunder and isolated. Under no circumstances should you delay and expect it to improve. Ancient Eastern wisdom says “what happened once may never happen again, what happened twice will definitely happen a third time.”
A child in your family may grow up with deep complexes and aggression, and become a problem teenager in the future. And you yourself will look enviously at happy couples where the husband gently kisses his wife’s hands and puts salad on her at the table. So - let's act!
At the first stage, we must carefully analyze whether the slap received was deserved or whether it was “gratitude” for an unironed shirt, whether it was an act of violence, or whether you were just “a little hooked.” The future fate of you and your child depends on your decision.
At the second stage, when an act of violence was determined, my friend Anna immediately went to the police and the court established the permissible limit for her husband’s approach to her and the child. When it came to divorce, she was always accompanied by a lawyer, not leaving her alone with her husband.
The third stage, as a rule, is accompanied by gifts and promises, tears and spending the night at the entrance, and pity. When these methods did not work (and Anna did not give up, not believing for a second the attempts to “cover her eyes”), the husband turned to threats and detention, for which he received another “invitation” to court. A good relationship you will try to save after some time, when mutual grievances have settled. Now your goal is to protect yourself and your child.
At the fourth stage, you may be afraid of an uncertain future and financial insolvency without the main breadwinner. It is very important not to “reverse” at this moment. There are always friends, distant and close relatives, the state, in the end, who will help and protect you during this difficult period. As a last resort, you can find a part-time job at home that will allow you to feed your small family. There are opportunities, you shouldn’t stay with a sadist just for the sake of a comfortable life! At such a moment, Anna used the services of a family lawyer, having won good maintenance and an apartment during the divorce process.
Final stage divorce - take a deep breath! You are safe, the child will grow up healthy, without seeing cruelty in the family, you have saved your nerves and health. In addition, do not rule out the high probability of meeting a man worthy of you and spending the rest of your days worry-free in love and care.
Married for more than ten years, they have a child. About seven years ago, my husband raised his hand to me for the first time, maybe he didn’t even raise him, but he pushed him very hard. Then we parted ways with him. A year later they moved in together again. The relationship was completely different: I stopped noticing any of his shortcomings, he stopped noticing mine. We were family again.
About a year ago he raised his hand again, but now more seriously... the child saw it all. But this was somehow settled, or rather, I told him that you never know what might happen, but since we love each other, we will overcome everything.
And then a couple of days ago there was another quarrel, and he raised his hand again, but this time stronger. Now I don’t know what to do. He came to talk. He said that, of course, he shouldn’t have hit me, but I was also very guilty.
I would like to say that for the last six months it has not been working. We rent an apartment. We live only on my salary. Of course, anger towards him had accumulated, or maybe just fatigue. Now he will ask me to think “until tomorrow.” What about? Just forget everything and forgive? I don't know what to do. On the one hand, 12 years together. On the other hand, there is misunderstanding and disrespect on his part. I can’t figure out whether habit is keeping me from last step(from divorce), or is it still love and it’s worth forgiving him….
From a religious point of view:
Unfortunately, practice shows that a man who raised his hand to his wife once, as a rule, will do it again, and your situation is another confirmation of this. Often assault is unjustified, although sometimes it can be completely justified.
Of course, information about what caused the quarrel helped a little in giving a more appropriate and specific answer, including assessing the “beatings,” but... One thing is for sure: assault is not the best, and sometimes not at all, a solution to problems .
According to Sharia, the husband is obliged to provide the family with shelter, food and clothing. In other words, you are not obligated to spend on renting housing, as you do now, or on food, or on clothes, neither for yourself nor for your husband. Everything you are doing now, from the point of view of Sharia, is a good deed, sadaqah on your part, for which, of course, you will receive a great reward.
I am always a supporter of reconciliation, and as long as you can live together and somehow regulate relations, find a compromise, you need to do this, and not run away. I can’t give statistics because I haven’t met them, but take my word for it, practice shows that divorce often does not lead to anything good, neither of the spouses becomes happy after it, but on the contrary, they regret the hasty decision, especially women. Divorce is the most objectionable thing to the Almighty that is permitted in Islam. The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “ The most hateful thing God allows is divorce. "(Jamiul-Ahadith, No. 170).
أبغض الحلال إلى الله الطلاق
The fact that your husband apologized, even talked to you about this and tried to make peace, suggests that he does not bad person, and you didn’t say anything bad about him. He realizes that he did wrong, that he was “carried away.” In no way do I justify his actions, primarily because I don’t know all the details, but perhaps you somehow provoked him to this, this often happens, and you yourself did not comment on his words that You yourself are very to blame. Talk to him, ask and warn him that if he continues to put an end to the conversation, to solve the problem in this way, you will divorce him. For your part, promise not to provoke him, to speak politely and with due respect. Solve all questions according to Sharia, look in books or contact an imam or any other person knowledgeable in religious matters. Observe all the requirements of our religion; in a house in which the religion of the Almighty is respected and observed, there is always peace, harmony and grace.
From a psychological point of view:
Reading your letter, a banal phrase flashed through my head: “there’s a first time for everything.” I immediately thought that if a man starts to raise his hand against a woman, it will be very difficult to stop him and the thought will always persist that he can repeat his act. When you analyze frequent cases of beatings in the family, you almost always discover that it all started small. Unfortunately, most people are designed in such a way that if they are not stopped in time, they will not stop themselves. Let's hope that your husband is one of those people who can be influenced by a positive stimulus and that, with the right approach, he will independently change the pattern (general model) of his own behavior.
You should pay attention to the fact that if for the first time you had attached the utmost importance to the fact that he raised his hand against you and showed with all your behavior that you did not accept this form of interaction, then the likelihood of a relapse (repetition of the act) would be minimal. Most likely, you separated then not because he pushed you, but as a result of accumulated mutual grievances and contradictions. It is even likely that, against the backdrop of everything else, his specific act completely fell out of sight, whereas it should have been put at the core.
Based on this, you should now focus all your husband’s attention on the fact that his action hurt you very much. But this should not be simple reproaches and searching for someone to blame. Here it is important to convey to your husband that each specific negative action of his gradually kills all respect for him in you, not to mention positive feelings. You remember that it is extremely important for a man to look strong, significant and respected in the eyes of his wife. This is what you need to focus on, namely, telling your husband that seeing his actions (raised his hand), you begin to lose respect for him, in rudeness you see not his strength, but weakness, and you believe that he raises his hand to a woman due to his inner insecurity, and that you would really not like to think of him as weak and an insecure man. This may have an effect on him and force him to reconsider his own behavior.
At the same time, the most important thing was and remains your common interaction. After all, it’s hard to imagine that your husband immediately, without words, turns to assault. Most likely, the use of force occurs at the apotheosis of your family quarrel. It is very important to extinguish it with everyone at the earliest stages of a conflict. possible ways. Sometimes simple care works well. He does not assume that you will leave the conversation, but that you will inform your husband in time that you do not want to continue this conversation, because you see that it will lead to a serious quarrel. Emphasize that your relationship is dear to you, and you do not want to spoil it with quarrels and insults. It is very important to stop in time and not give in to emotions. I think that you will be able to change the course of further events and build good relationships in the family.
Muhammad-Amin Magomedrasulov
theologian
Aliaskhab Anatolyevich Murzaev
psychologist-consultant of the Center social assistance family and children
Until last night everything was great, I was absolutely happy. But last night my happiness collapsed. Yesterday I felt like my whole world had collapsed. More precisely, my husband destroyed it.
Our marriage is 7 years old. Two children: my ten-year-old daughter from my first marriage and our common three-year-old son. My husband was a good, caring father to both children and treated my daughter like his own. And he was a very good husband. We never argued, only very rarely there were small, harmless quarrels.
And yesterday we had a conflict. The conversation was about whether it was possible to allow our daughter to go to a camp site with our friends and their children. I was “for”, he was “against”. It ended with me reminding him that he does not have parental rights in relation to her. We had a big fight, and my husband hit me (or pushed me, I don’t know how to say it more precisely) in the shoulder, and I fell. He looked at me for a couple of seconds with a blank expression and quickly went out to smoke (he didn’t even help me get up).
In a minute I grabbed the most necessary things, ran out into the yard, quickly put the children in the car and drove away. She took her daughter to her mother and left her son with her. I went to my sister’s, took her keys to the apartment in which she does not live, and went there.
My husband started calling immediately - I hadn’t even left the village yet. I didn't answer. SMS messages poured in. He looked for me from my parents, from his own, and from other relatives and friends. At night, having put my son to bed and having come to my senses a little, I began to read the text messages: he asks for forgiveness, he repents very much, he himself is horrified by what he did, he does not understand how it happened, he is very ashamed, he hates himself for this, he will never do this again will happen again. He asks me to come back, he’s ready for any conditions, he’s ready to make amends in any way I want.
I didn’t go to work today and didn’t take my son to kindergarten. My husband was in kindergarten and at work in the morning. My sister didn’t tell him that I came here, but he apparently guessed and went to look for me. He knew about the apartment, but did not know the address, only approximately the area of the city. And now he found my car, which I left near the house. The alarm went off, I (I felt it!) carefully looked out - he was standing near the car. Turned off the alarm. He's been sitting in the car for two hours now.
I tried to make it shorter, but it still turned out to be a lot of letters. I have always misunderstood and despised women who live with men who beat them. And so I found myself in this situation. I always categorically believed that if this suddenly happened, then that would be it, an immediate breakup, no conversations, no options. And yesterday I was in exactly this mood. But today I’m already hesitating. I love my husband and am sure that he loves me and loves my children. I can't imagine my life without him. But I can’t live with him now after what he did. website What to do? Cross out everything? Or forgive, relying on his promises that this will never happen again? Or if you raised your hand once, is this an indicator that that’s it, wait for the continuation?
What would you do if you were me? What do you advise me to do? I only told my mother and sister about what happened (I was very embarrassed to tell). Mom advises to separate, sister advises to forgive.