What do you call a person who cares about strangers? Caring - what is it? Showing care and tenderness

The desire to care for others, to save others

Anyone who works in the field of drug addiction often hears from relatives: “I want to save my husband (son).” I received 3 bags of letters from wives of alcoholics in response to an article in Rabotnitsa magazine, “Marrying an Alcoholic.” Every letter contains the word "save". There may be variations - “get out of the quagmire”, “prevent the abyss”. Without talking to each other, people from all over Russia use the same words. What is this? One of the patterns of manifestation of codependency.

Saving others is the calling of codependents. They love to take care of others, often choose the so-called helping professions - doctor, nurse, teacher, psychologist, educator. It’s as if codependents were made for their alcoholics. The calling of codependents is to love alcoholics, marry them, give birth to their children, treat alcoholics, raise them, devote their whole lives to them. All this would be good if attitude towards significant loved ones really helped save patients with addiction to psychoactive substances. Concern for others exceeds reasonable and normal dimensions and can take on a caricatured character.

Their behavior stems from the conviction that they, the codependents, are responsible for the feelings, thoughts, actions of others, for their choices, for their wants and needs, for their well-being, for their lack of well-being, and even for fate itself. Codependents take responsibility for others, save them from responsibility for themselves, while being completely irresponsible for their own well-being. They eat poorly, sleep poorly, don’t visit a doctor, don’t know their own needs.

By saving the patient, codependents only contribute to the fact that he will continue to use alcohol or drugs. Then the codependents become angry with the patient. An attempt to save almost never succeeds. This is just a destructive form of behavior, destructive for both the addicted and the codependent person.

However, the desire to save is so great that codependents can do what they essentially did not want to do. Codependents say “yes” when they would like to say “no”. They do for their loved ones what they can do for themselves. In reality, they do more for someone than for someone else. They satisfy the needs of their loved ones when they do not ask them to do so and do not even agree that the codependents do this for them.

Codependents constantly give more than they receive from their loved ones. Codependents speak for the other, think for him, believe that they can control his feelings, and do not ask what the other wants. They solve the problems of others, although such a solution to problems other than their own is rarely effective. In joint activities, such as housekeeping, they do more than they should do according to a fair division of responsibilities.

Such “care” for others presupposes the incompetence, helplessness of the other, the inability to do what a codependent loved one does for him. All this makes it possible for codependents to feel constantly necessary and irreplaceable. The "rescuer" needs to be needed. These are the psychological benefits of rescue - feeding low self-esteem, satisfying the need to be needed. Deep down, rescuers don't feel loved or worthy of love. And then the behavior is determined by the message: if I am unloved, then I will be needed. Your wish is my command. Your problem is my problem. Then the “rescuers” get angry at those they care about. "Rescuers" feel used and thrown away. Sometimes with the rag that people wipe their feet on at the door.

I use the word “savior” and not “savior” because we have one Savior - Jesus Christ. When codependents try to rescue, they really want to align their mission with God's work. They control the lives and destinies of others. They completely devalue the ability of another to do for themselves what will truly save them.

But contrary to the will of God, they do not succeed. That's why I use a slightly different word for them. They cannot do what God does to us.

This unhealthy caring behavior borders on enabling. Next to every alcoholic in the family there is a person who helps maintain alcoholism in an active state. The accomplice, through his actions, helps the alcoholic continue to drink, saves him from suffering, from inconvenience caused by the consequences of his alcoholism, and thereby makes it easier for the alcoholic to continue drinking. The unhealthy role of the wife or mother of an alcoholic is called an enabler. When do we, codependents, save in such an unhealthy way?

When we call my husband’s boss at work and say that he has a cold and won’t come to work, but in fact he is hungover.

When we pay debts to his creditors.

When we take a taxi and load his drunken body, we deliver him home.

When we are looking for a tipsy spouse in the dark or at the addresses where he may be.

When we do something that we didn't want to do. I didn’t want to waste my energy in marriage trying to drag him out of the puddle.

We do for another person what he is able to do for himself.

We provide help when we were not asked for it, or we give more than we were asked.

When we speak for other people. If the patient and a relative are at the consultation, then she usually speaks.

When we put up with an unfair division of responsibilities, for example, we shoulder all the household chores while our husband can drink.

When we don't talk about our needs, wants, what we want.

In general, we save every time we take on unnecessary care of another adult (Beatty M., 1997).

I think what Nice words: caring, saving someone, sacrificing oneself, loving to the point of self-denial. It looks like mercy. Why is the meaning of behavior destructive, destructive? I became a doctor to learn how to save people from death. It seemed to me that this was very noble and altruistic. In addiction treatment, I learned about the unhealthy role of rescuer. Where is the boundary between good and evil behavior? Some authors refer to self-sacrifice as self-mortification (Bouhal M., 1983).

In medicine there are acute and chronic diseases. In life there are periods of normal events and states of crisis. I think it is useful to save only in acute painful conditions - for example, when a person is unconscious, in a coma, in shock, in acute trauma, in acute appendicitis, during bleeding. Children and the elderly are a separate issue. Due to their age, they are helpless, so they need to be saved. But when a patient is in a chronic painful condition, then he should not be saved, but should be helped to overcome his illness. Alcoholism and drug addiction, not counting states of acute poisoning, are considered chronic diseases. It is necessary to help, but at the same time believe in the healing power of the patient’s personality. Not in medicine, but in life, people are saved only in emergency situations. There is such a ministry - the Ministry of Emergency Situations, the Ministry of Emergency Situations. There is a rescue society on the waters. Yes, if a person is drowning, then this emergency, it is necessary to save.

What feelings accompany acts of rescue? Sometimes the rescuer experiences awkwardness and discomfort in connection with the person’s problem, sometimes her holiness, pity for him. Wives of alcoholics generally tend to confuse pity with love. When we, codependents, save, we can perceive ourselves as more competent than the one we are helping. We can think that I am a heroine, since I save. He is helpless, but I am strong, I can do anything.

Codependents feel needed at the moment. There is great reward in this feeling.

After the wife of an alcoholic begins to save him, she will inevitably move towards another unhealthy role in the family - the role of the pursuer. She “generously” helped, for example, dragged him home drunk, then could not resist reproaches and indignation. This poor alcoholic remained ungrateful! When the wife saved, she did something that she did not want to do, she abandoned her own needs and plans for this time, how can she not be angry? The object of rescue sobers up, does not thank and does not even accept his wife’s numerous advice. The wife takes on the role of accuser. Anger and rage descend on the “saved” alcoholic.

An alcoholic is alive and feels his wife’s changing mood very well. He uses this moment to go on the offensive. It happens that at this moment he will hit his wife. It was his righteous anger that someone had deemed him incompetent and taken his responsibility upon themselves. People resent being seen as incompetent, worthless, incapable.

There is a turn in the movement of the codependent spouse to the favorite role at the bottom of the triangle - the role of the victim. This is a predictable and inevitable result of rescue. The victim is overwhelmed with bitter feelings of helplessness, resentment, depression, and sadness. The feeling of self-pity grows to incredible proportions. Here again I was used and discarded. I tried so hard, I did a good deed, and he... Why, why does this always happen to me?

Why? Everything has its own laws.

When “saving” a chemically dependent loved one, codependents inevitably obey the laws known as the “Dramatic Triangle of S. Karpman” or the “Triangle of Power” (Karpman S., 1968, 1971).

Codependents try to save others because for codependents it is easier than enduring discomfort and awkwardness, and often mental pain, when faced with unresolved problems of their loved ones. Codependents have not learned to say: “It’s very sad that you have such a problem. How can I help you?” Codependents say this: “I’m here. I’ll do it for you.” The demon of low self-esteem sits inside codependents and drives them along the edges of S. Karpman’s triangle.

Helping people, giving people part of your time, your talent is very good. All of this is part of healthy relationships between people. Where is the line between healthy caring for others and unhealthy rescue behavior?

Let's listen to our feelings. A person with healthy self-esteem feels good about himself and other people. He feels good when he gives something to others. A codependent may feel bad, bitter, and offended by his endless and dimensionless “gives.” It still seems to him that he was underestimated.

There should be reasonable limits on what we do in healthy relationships for other people. It's okay to balance giving and taking. Nobody said that you need to give everything to others.

We shouldn’t think about other people that they are worse than us. Others are not helpless. Others are not irresponsible. They are not weak-minded. Why treat them as if they themselves cannot take responsibility for themselves. Rel is not talking about infants.

If, while caring for others, we in this capacity stop taking care of ourselves, betraying our important needs and interests, then this is a sign that we are doing a bad thing, harmful both for ourselves and for the one we care about.

We urgently need to take responsibility for ourselves and allow other people to do the same. The kindest thing we can do for ourselves is to stop being a victim.

If a codependent person does not learn to recognize the moments when he becomes a rescuer, then he will constantly allow others to victimize him, i.e. put in the position of a victim. In fact, codependents themselves participate in the process of their own victimization. The drama develops along the sides of S. Karpman's triangle.

The shift in roles in the triangle is accompanied by a change in emotions, and quite intense ones at that. The time a codependent person stays in one role can last from a few seconds to several years; in one day you can be in the role of a rescuer, now in the role of a pursuer, now in the role of a victim twenty times.

The goal of psychotherapy in this case may be to teach codependents to recognize their roles and consciously abandon the role of rescuer. This will prevent you from inevitably falling into the victim role.

One of the participants in the game “Rescuer – Pursuer – Victim” may one day say: “That’s enough, I’m leaving the game.” If this does not happen, the rescuer and the rescued may destroy each other.

Giving up rescue and not allowing others to save you is one of the tasks of overcoming codependency.

As already emphasized above, among codependents such a quality as outward orientation, external referentig, no A. Schaef (1986), acquires special significance. This characteristic of codependency has been associated with low self-esteem. Since codependents do not feel like valuable enough people, they are somehow directed towards external reference points. Individuals who depend almost entirely on external evaluation will do whatever it takes to maintain a relationship with someone important to them. Even if these relationships are difficult and destructive. The stories of wives of alcoholics about their lives are a drama, life in hell. Even if they divorce an alcoholic, they often continue to live together.

Codependents suffer from a poor concept of their “I”; they have no clear idea of how others should treat them. Without relationships with others, codependents feel less significant and sometimes insignificant. In relationships, they often give in to others, even when this is not required of codependents. They remain loyal even when the object of their affection cheats on them or abuses them. One of the books about codependency is called "Women Who Love Too Much." The relationship between an alcoholic and his wife can be very close; they literally cannot live without each other. This gives each of them a feeling of security. Security, obtained in such an unhealthy way, at any cost, is frozen, static, which prevents relationships from developing.

Due to low self-esteem, the question becomes especially important for codependents: “What will others say?” Codependents spend a lot of energy trying to manage the impression they make on others. For people with adequate, healthy self-esteem, the starting point in evaluating themselves is internal; codependents voluntarily gave the starting point to others. Codependents strive to be “good,” they can actually do a lot of good things, and they believe that they manage to make the right impression on others and control the perceptions of others.

The purpose of life for codependents can be reduced to calculating what others want, to satisfying someone else's desires; actions are intended to please others. Hence the need for servility. Even in bed, they may not care about their own desires, but about pleasing their partner.

You develop an amazing ability to recognize what other people like and don't like. Codependents believe that as soon as they become what others want them to be, life will become safe, reliable, and they will be accepted in the circles where they aspire. They depend so much on others that even their right to exist must be confirmed by others. They are not sure that they have a legitimate place in life. They need confirmation of this from the outside. Codependents do not trust their own perceptions until others confirm them.

Perhaps this feature drives them when they strive to care for their loved ones with addiction. Here, care is not love, but rather an exercise of power over another person. Codependents impose their will on the patient and thereby deprive him of his own will. Caring codependent people are very power-hungry. This twists their relationships in the family. The practice of subservient behavior is also determined by this characteristic of codependents.

So, the above are given in descriptive order the manifestations of codependency. Perhaps someone would like to pick up a short diagnostic tool and quickly determine the presence or absence of codependency in themselves, their daughter, a friend, etc. I can equip the reader with such tools. I present some of them below.

From the book Laws outstanding people author Kalugin Roman

Teaching Others Teach others what you are learning yourself. When you try to express and explain to someone a new concept to help that person, you understand it even better yourself. In reality, you only know a subject to the extent that you can teach it.

From the book Life is Good! How to have time to live and work fully author Kozlov Nikolay Ivanovich

I am relative to others Some people see themselves as higher than others, others as lower. Stronger or weaker than the environment. Together or separately from others. Which picture seems best to you? If you are next to a wise wizard, let him be taller than you: you can learn from him. If you see

From the book Gods in Every Man [Archetypes that control the lives of men] author Jin Shinoda is sick

Get to know others Even the most introverted Hephaestus usually has close people. Unlike Hades, who feels comfortable in hermithood, Hephaestus reacts deeply and sharply to people’s behavior, and those around him are able to exert a strong emotional influence on him.

From the book Ascent to Individuality author Orlov Yuri Mikhailovich

Emotions for others Identification is an action of the mind by which we identify ourselves with other people, objects of possession, abstractions, such as a profession, group, state or party to which we belong. In identification there are many

From the book The Art of Being Selfish author Mamontov Sergey Yurievich

Life for others Mikhail S. is 25 years old, he is a salesman in a large supermarket. “I don’t know what to do.” I did everything - I changed jobs, and I didn’t see my college friends for two years, that’s all! and I know - work, home, home, work. And they are all unhappy. And the work is not the same, and as a child

From the book Forgiving Myself. In 2 vols. Volume 2 by Viilma Luule

The desire to be better than others All stress comes from the fear of not being loved and is summed up in a shock force, the name of which is the desire to be better than others. It is realized most honestly in a fist fight, most understandably in a word, most unkindly in a thought. This

From the book The Origin of Altruism and Virtue [From Instincts to Cooperation] by Ridley Matt

No worse than others Before you accuse me of complete cynicism, I want to note: I do not at all set out to deprive virtue of virtue. If you care too much about the motives of generous people, then you are going in circles. A true altruist will not give anything, because he understands:

From the book Introduction to the Psychological Theory of Autism by Appe Francesca

From the book Look for your talent author Vorobiev Gennady Grigorievich

DON'T LOSE OTHERS Scorpio hardly moved, but there was commotion all around. Half-awake people were fussing, shaking their clothes, from which nothing else fell out. They gradually cooled down. We looked at the clock. There were still two hours left before breakfast. The cook in the next yurt is only

From the book Hu from Hu? [Manual on psychological intelligence] author Kurpatov Andrey Vladimirovich

“Predictions” about others “He will not be pleased with me” (or “he will be delighted”), “they will not appreciate my action” (or “they will admire me”), “she will ignore me” (or “she will be crazy about me"), "they will support my initiative" (or "they will laugh at me"), "he will notice what I do"

From the book Angels Among Us by Virce Dorin

The desire to save is a kind of drug addiction. Drug addiction is always an attempt to fill an internal emotional emptiness with something external. It allows you to instantly experience a delightful feeling of security, love and peace. Saving

From the book Creative Problem Solving [How to Develop Creative Thinking] author Lemberg Boris

Pleasing Others Your need for other people's approval gives them control over your happiness. But no one deserves the right to have that kind of influence over you. You seek approval to avoid conflict. Have an uncanny sense of what they want

From the book What Will You Choose? Decisions that affect your life by Ben-Shahar Tal

Motivate others It happens that you are not the only one involved in something important to you. It happens that to achieve a goal you also involve other people. For example, if you work in a team (in the chapter on creativity techniques, you will find several effective

From the book Better than Perfection [How to Curb Perfectionism] author Lombardo Elizabeth

30 Asserting Your Own Excellence or Caring About Other People's Feelings One thing I've learned is that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou Usually when we think about something

From the book The Key to Superpowers! 100 + 1 ideas for unlocking your potential from the monk who sold his Ferrari by Sharma Robin S.

Don't Get Stuck Because of Others Do you ever feel like other people are dragging you down, sucking you in like quicksand? Living with a “Better Excellence” spirit means that you not only see and interact with the world in new ways, but you also have the power to influence how

From the author's book

53. Believe in Others I took the kids to see the Hilary Swank movie Freedom Writers. He touched me to the core. Tears welled up. I wanted to be and do and give more. I wanted to improve the world. Thoroughly. I took away one more thought from the film: leadership lies in

As you have already felt, in this definition there is two important aspects: selflessness and satisfaction of the needs of the one to whom care is addressed.

Caring becomes selfish when sacrifice appears in it.

How to recognize “self-interest”?

— When there is a lot of control and fear of being alone in care. We deprive our loved ones of independence by doing a lot for them. For example, a woman takes care of her loved ones in such a way that they do not have time to think about anything themselves. Such a woman inspires and imposes the idea that without her a person will not only live, but will not be able to take a step.

— When we dissolve in the lives of others. It is always easier to spend your life on someone else than on your own. And at one point blame someone else for not succeeding in her life. I gave him my whole life...

- If you reproach someone: you did so much for him, and he... For example: - I got up, spent so much time cooking, and you are so ungrateful... You have no conscience...

Caring fills us, but sacrifice makes us unhappy, since in response we always expect “payment” in the form of recognition of our actions and gratitude.

"When mature a person gives his love - he just gives, he feels gratitude for the fact that you accepted it, not the other way around. He doesn't expect you to be grateful for it, he doesn't need your gratitude. He thanks you for accepting his love." OSHO.

In order not to fall into sacrifice, YOU NEED TO REALIZE that everything in this life WE DO FOR OURSELVES!

We take care of ourselves, we want to be caring. We clean, we wash, we help, because we can’t do it any other way or don’t want to!

We express ourselves through this. This is our way of GIVING.

Not for others, FOR YOURSELF!

Even when we buy it for a child expensive clothes, also FOR YOURSELF :)))

And when a child spoils it, always stop yourself from imposing guilt on him: “I do so much for you, and you...
Here it is enough to talk about the fact that things need to be protected.

Often women ask me, if my husband is sick, how to show proper care?

It’s very simple here - your concern should not be MATERIAL towards a man!

This is how a mother cares? Knowing that the child is helpless!

Your man is not a child! He asks how to contact the doctor - tell me. But if you start looking for a doctor yourself, giving advice, urging and pushing, then this is already like a mother.

Don’t live automatically, your husband is not your next child!

And the second important aspect in the definition is meeting the needs of the person to whom care is addressed.

When a person protests against your care, be it a husband or a child, it means that by caring you are satisfying your needs for control, approval or security.

When we care about someone, we do it to make the other person feel good. And no one will refuse good things.

But if he refuses, it means that you are thinking about yourself, so that you feel good, and you are covering all this up with concern. “I do so much, and you are ungrateful...”

I will probably surprise someone, but a man does not need care at all, this is not a man’s need.

He uses it, but will never be grateful to you for it.

His needs for others are trust and acceptance for who he is. But a woman is strenuously trying to satisfy precisely the need for care in marriage.

Very often, a woman, caring, begins to educate, give advice, lay out straws, control whether everything has been taken or put on. Main men's needs I devoted a whole lesson to

You need to differentiate between children and husband in your mind, separate them on different sides.

And if caring for children is closely related to control, then in relation to a man, control is dangerous.

You take care of your husband, but he feels that you control him. And he will always want to get out of control.

Oddly enough, we so often show concern for others, but we ourselves need it like air.

For example, in lessons we observe our own thoughts, what they are about, what or to whom they are dedicated, which makes up most of our thoughts.

And the answers I get are disappointing:

“I realized that I think very little about myself. I talk about myself - only in conversations with friends and mainly on the topic of men. In general, I realized that I was completely fixated on relationships, and I had neither the time nor the mental strength to think about what I liked, what I wanted. It’s all just about relationships.”

“Periodically I began to catch myself thinking that I generally need to think about myself :)))) That I generally need to notice what I’m thinking about. It happens so rarely that it’s hard for me to even describe my thoughts and feelings.”

Start taking care of yourself. It is a wrong idea that if we take care of others, they will take care of us in return. We are only taken care of when we take care of ourselves.

As soon as a woman stops taking care of herself and starts caring for herself, she turns into a servant and a “mommy,” and everyone begins to save on her, on praise, on attention, on respect.

Ask yourself: maybe you only care about others because you yourself need care? Do you yourself feel a lack of warmth, love and attention?

And if so, start taking care of yourself first!

The time has come.

ATTENTION! The material is copyrighted and protected by the Copyright Act. Any use of this material (publication, quoting, reprinting) is NOT PERMITTED without the written consent of the author. For questions about publishing this material on third-party resources, please contact: email: [email protected]

Tatyana Dzutseva

In contact with

By the definition of "caring" we usually mean the manifestation special attention, guardianship, worries about someone. In the minds of most people, all these categories are quite identical. But what does “care” actually mean - a set of some manifestations or is it a separate judgment?

The concept of “care” is not purely psychological; it is also studied in medicine, pedagogy, and philology. Each scientific field explains care differently. In a broad sense, the term “care” is interpreted in two ways. On the one hand, this is the performance of a series of actions aimed at the benefit of someone or something (after all, we care not only about living beings, but also indoor plants, For example). Another point of view is that care is a worry, a worry, a burden.

We encounter manifestations of care from the moment of birth (and in a sense, even before it). Loving parents are ready to do everything possible to ensure the comfort and well-being of the baby - all these actions are united by the concept of “care”. Later, we ourselves learn to take care of ourselves and others. This is expressed not only in worries and anxiety, but in specific actions that ensure the well-being of the object of our care. We visit a sick friend, feed the cat, water the flowers, help mom and grandma carry heavy bags - as a person grows up, this list is constantly growing.

First of all, it is human nature to take care of oneself and one’s own needs. Every day we need sleep, nutritious and healthy food, physical activity and rest - these are natural needs that, one way or another, are dictated by our body. By satisfying them, we take care of ourselves at the most basic level: we go to bed in a warm, comfortable bed, eat fresh and appetizing food, and dress for the season. Taking care of your health is right and commendable.
But sometimes you have to deal with manifestations of excessive self-care, often to the detriment of others. Such fixation on one’s own person borders on selfishness and becomes a serious obstacle to building harmonious relations with other people. Communication - necessary condition for human self-development, so sometimes you need to show concern for others. It makes us feel needed and increases self-esteem.

First of all, parents should take care of children. All the joy and responsibility of the process rests with them. Here it is important to take into account the characteristics of the child’s age and development, his personal needs. Sometimes it is very difficult for mom and dad to “switch” as their beloved child grows up. It is also very common to encounter manifestations of false concern when parents amuse their own egos by being overly protective of their child. For example, they lavish the baby with expensive toys, trying to compensate for their reluctance (or inability) to spend enough time with him. Let's remember that our children need moral, physical and material care in equal measure! You need to pay attention to all these areas and not try to replace one with another (do not replace games and conversations with food or new toys).

Life is very relative and changeable. It would seem like just yesterday we were children and our parents took care of us. And today we have become adults, independent, and now our parents need our care and attention. Normal relationships between close people imply mutual care for each other. This is how people show their love and affection. And in the case of parents - sincere gratitude for everything they did for us. Therefore, taking care of elderly parents (grandparents) is the moral duty of every child. And here, too, it is important to take into account needs at all levels - moral, physical, material. Help make repairs, buy groceries, accompany you to the doctor, just once again calling and coming to visit is not at all burdensome for us, but very important for older people.

Men and women understand care differently. For husbands, fathers, and grandfathers, care is, first of all, providing material support for their family. Representatives of the stronger sex are confident that if their loved ones are safe and provided with everything they need, then the task is completed. The psychological needs of wives and children very often fade into the background. Men, do not skimp on attention and communication with your family - this is no less important than the material component!

For a woman, caring is something fundamentally different. Girls, young women, wives, mothers understand care as certain actions, thanks to which the people around them - dads, husbands, children - become happier. This is a lovingly prepared dinner, neatly ironed shirts, timely medicine, and much more.

It is precisely because of the difference in understanding and perception of care between a man and a woman (more often between young parents) that conflicts sometimes arise. Be attentive to each other and try to reach mutual understanding. There is nothing wrong with the fact that the mother will take more care of the baby’s nutrition and daily routine, and the father will buy toys and pay for classes with a tutor.

When providing support and care, you should not cross reasonable boundaries. Overprotection has never been a healthy manifestation of care. Support should be provided exactly to the extent that its object needs. Excessive expression of care is more likely to have a destructive effect on the personality of the person at whom it is directed than to be useful. Also, you should not impose your guardianship on those who do not need it. It is better to direct your ambitions in another, more productive direction, and successfully implement them there.
Showing tenderness, attention and participation are natural needs of the individual. Let's be attentive not only to our loved ones, but also to other people around us!

In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit!

Dear brothers and sisters today in the Gospel we heard about the centurion, the Roman military leader who came to the Savior with a request to heal his servant: “Lord! my servant lies at home in relaxation and suffers cruelly.” At the same time, he showed the amazing power of faith and trust in God and therefore saw the Power of God's providence.

Every person who takes care of another person necessarily comes to God

Caring for the servant brought the centurion to the Savior, and so every person who takes upon himself to care for another person necessarily comes to God and clearly sees the many mercies of God with which every person is surrounded.

The Holy Fathers say: “Do not look for miracles in order to believe, for faith does not come from miracles; but acquire faith to see miracles; for miracles come from faith. If you have faith, then every minute, in every [natural phenomenon], in every [thing] you will see a miracle; and you will see a miracle in yourself; wonderful birth, wonderful nutrition, wonderful life, and there are so many miracles in life! God in both the small and the great.” “Accustom your heart,” the saints say, “to see the Lord in everything, to thank Him for everything.” “The Good God gave us abundant gifts and did not allow us to suffer,” and therefore “ we must have compassion for our neighbor who is suffering" And then the Lord will definitely give the person joy.

In any case and in every meeting we must do what God wants us to do. And we know what He wants from His commandments. A neighbor comes to us - it was God who brought him, with the desire that we act towards him in God's way, as He pleases, and looks at us to see how we will actually act. Which means if whoever is looking for help, help.

Caring for another person, alms, and kindness soften the heart and act on it like oil on a rusty lock. God did not create man to be cruel and unmerciful, but people do not develop the mercy given to them by God, do not have compassion for their neighbors, and from negligence gradually become hard-hearted.

The akathist “Glory to God for everything” contains the following words: “When You inspired me to serve my neighbors and illuminated my soul with humility, then one of Your countless rays fell on my heart, and it became luminous, like iron in fire. I I saw Your mysterious elusive Face... Glory to You, ... Glory to You, ".

The Lord inspires us to serve our neighbors, the very thought of caring for another person is good thought, “a good thought from God,” which fills the person who receives it with the light of God’s communication.

Saint Nicholas of Serbia wrote: “If today [someone] asked me: how to save my soul, I would answer without hesitation: take on the burden of caring for your neighbor! For every soul that does not care about anyone but itself has either already perished or is on the verge of perishing. Where it is not too late, you need to save your soul by caring for your neighbor. It's hard to just start, but when you start, you will be convinced that caring for others is much sweeter than caring for yourself. All the great teachers of the faith, following the law, taught people to live by working and caring for other people, near and far. Living for the sake of others, we do not give up our own life; on the contrary, we affirm and expand its boundaries. By caring for others, we do not make our lives [sadder and more dismal], but, on the contrary, we bring sweetness and consolation into it <…>Create a small kingdom of souls that you will care for, and you will feel within yourself the breadth of souls of great leaders and kings. Do you know your value? It is equal to the number of people who cannot live without your care. Start counting from scratch. If you live only by taking care of yourself, you are not even a unit yet. If no one in the world feels your care, then you don’t care about yourself at all.<…>If no one in the world feels your concern, it means you are working only for yourself, which means- St. Nicholas writes, “you have not yet become a unit, but you are still a fraction of zero and one, still very, very small, small even for taking care of yourself. <…>Try...to care for others as much as possible and you will find yourself entering into a conversation with God.<…>Only caring for others opens our eyes and gives us the opportunity to see the world and life in their [truth]».

“We must adopt for ourselves such a view of life: always bear in mind that we must think not about what we can demand for ourselves, but what we must give to others.”

“Do not look for great [meaningful] deeds for your active love: the most insignificant, apparently, deed of love, done sympathetically to human need, is a deed worthy of great people,” wrote St. Macarius (Nevsky), “as great as Christ with his greatest work of saving humanity (able to see the grief of a mother who lost her son, to take pity on a sick servant, a leper, to understand the need of every person, to see the importance of a given glass of water). Don’t tell yourself: you don’t need to waste your time on little things: you need to look for big things. Great things are made up of small parts.” Do at least a little, because sometimes small things have great consequences.

At the same time, “Do the job, but don’t expect success right away; speak without being heard; love without being understood; throw your bread to the ungrateful, but believe that all this will bear fruit in due time. “You don’t understand this now,” the Lord said to the disciple, washing his feet and showing his concern, “but later you will understand.”

Put yourself in the place of another, then you will understand what he needs

The Holy Fathers offer a very simple rule that allows you to understand exactly “what another person needs in order to do this for him”: “ Put yourself in someone else's shoes, then you will understand what he needs. If [you] sit in your shell,” wrote Elder Paisios, “you will not be able to understand what another person needs.” “For example, ... if someone who is in a difficult situation asks us for help, we should immediately think like this: “If I were in his place, wouldn’t I want help?”" This will be our concern for the person.

The rule “Put yourself in the place of another, then you will understand what he needs” was considered by the Monk Paisius to be fundamental in relationships with other people, since it not only helps to understand what another person needs, but also makes it possible to avoid an unkind and impatient attitude towards him.

Thus, caring for elderly parents becomes an overwhelming burden for some, a real burden. But “if children put themselves in the shoes of their aged parents and think: “After all, I too will grow old someday and will I like it if my loved ones do not pay attention to me?” - then they happily take care of them.

In response to one woman’s complaints that it had been difficult for her to care for her paralyzed mother for eight years, Elder Paisios replied: “Oh, your problem can be solved very simply! Now I will pray that you are paralyzed for eight years, and that your mother recovers and takes care of you" As soon as the daughter put herself in the place of her unfortunate mother, she immediately exclaimed: “No, no, father!” “How come you aren’t ashamed? - the old man said to her. - Which is preferable? To be healthy, not to experience pain and take care of a sick person, while having a reward [reward] from God, or to suffer, to be unable to move a leg, to humble yourself and ask: “Please bring me a duck, turn me on the other side, move me to the wall...”?”

Arranging for us to meet a person in need, the Lord, as if addressing each of us, says: “Give him something to eat, take care of him; I will find him a place and people who will shelter him for My name’s sake. But I would like you, and not others, to shelter Me in the person of this unfortunate person.” How would we answer Him?

A person can have compassion for another even when he himself is in need.

A person can have compassion for another even when he himself is in need. Indeed, even in this case, “if he has genuine love for his neighbor with compassion, such a person forgets his own illness and (takes care of) others.”

The thought “how to put yourself in the place of another in order to see his need” should replace the sometimes characteristic thought of “how to sit in his place.”

So, for example, when approaching Communion,” wrote Elder Paisios, “one should not overtake others, but think: “ “maybe the other person is in a hurry more than me?” <…>After all, even if you don’t have enough Communion, then you should be glad that someone else got it and not you. And if the priest has only one particle, one pearl, and there is a sick person who is near death, who needs Communion, you need to rejoice that it is not you who will receive Communion, but he. This is what Christ wants from us. This is how Christ enters the heart, filling a person with joy.”

By doing this, a person learns to constantly care for another, thereby in his life he overcomes such a widespread mood: “If only I don’t feel bad,” which expresses the dominant concern in some people only for themselves.

“If a person does not put himself in the place of other people (to see their needs), and not only people,” says Elder Paisios, “he will not be able to become a man.” Caring for another person means sharing grief, giving peace in difficulties, and accepting harsh words from others.

Saint Macarius (Nevsky) wrote about this: “ Do not faint in sadness that those who care for them do not understand the concern for them and insult those who care. [The importance of your cause will increase even more when you overcome evil with good».

Let us remember: caring for the servant led the centurion to the Savior, and so each of us, when we take upon ourselves to care for another person, necessarily comes to God and clearly sees the many mercies of God with which every person is surrounded. “Glory to You, God, transforming our lives with deeds of good... Glory to You, clearly abiding where mercy is fragrant" Amen.

Attention, care, love, care, worry about someone - all these words are close to each other in the actions that people perform when experiencing similar feelings. What is caring? Is this a manifestation of love or attention, or is it a separate concept that is manifested in a special way?

Psychological meaning of the word "care"

This concept is the subject of study not only in psychology, but also in pedagogy, medicine, philology and other sciences. Each industry views this word differently. There are several definitions of the word "caring". This is attention, care, activity or thought that is aimed at providing someone or something with well-being. It is clear that these are certain efforts and efforts for the benefit of some object. Some people understand caring as worry, diligence, or generally something burdensome.

How does it manifest itself?

How caring is manifested, we will learn from small age. Many people are familiar with the picture of a child crying after a fall, whom his mother is trying with all her efforts to calm. The mother is ready to carry a baby who is sick in her arms everywhere and always, to give him the most delicious and healthy things, as long as he gets well. In prosperous families, mothers are the first example of care and concern, combined into one concept - care.

Tender care is manifested in the concern of parents for their children, of wives for their husbands, and vice versa. not just in words or in the heart, it is reinforced by specific actions, for example, preparing favorite or healthy dishes for a mother, covering up a wife on a cold night, making purchases for a lonely grandmother by a caring stranger, and so on.

Self-care

It's human nature to take care of yourself. This is partly dictated by nature. We have basic needs that need to be satisfied. This could be the need for sleep or food. We cannot forget about them, since the body itself reminds us that it is time to sleep or eat. And we do not eat sawdust or rotten fruit, but look for tasty, satisfying and healthy foods. This is a basic manifestation of self-care. Taking care of your health and proper lifestyle is only commendable.

But there are cases of excessive care for yourself and your body. Such concern borders on selfishness and egocentrism. Such people, as a rule, find it difficult to pay attention to others, as they are completely absorbed in themselves. This behavior has a detrimental effect on a person's communication and personal dynamics, so sometimes you need to switch to the needs of others. Caring for others brings satisfaction, a feeling of need for someone, and gives an internal incentive to carry out other good deeds.

Attention and care for your children

All parents are sure that their children are somehow special. For each loving parent truly your child is the smartest, most talented and good. Taking care of children is a big responsibility for parents. First you need to show love and attention to babies, then to toddlers, then to teenagers. At the same time, you need to provide them and constantly solve small or large problems associated with them. Of course, parents are tired of the constant burden of problems, but this does not relieve them of responsibility.

While caring for children, they should not forget about the needs of children. There is pseudo-care when mom or dad try to solve some of their problems through excessive care or attention. Sometimes, in their desire to provide the child with everything, they forget about his needs for recognition, every day, love and understanding. Tender care for children is the manifestation of attention to the moral, physical, social, psychological and material needs of children. Parents should pay equal attention to all these areas.

Taking care of parents

How do men understand this word?

A man and a woman differ in their understanding of certain actions and words. The same difference is observed in the understanding of the meaning of care. Men, for the most part, see the word “care” as material support for their. Being realists and pragmatists, they rarely show their care in words or gentle actions. Many men find it difficult to understand that providing for children financially will not replace time spent together.

Let's do an experiment. Close your eyes and remember the most joyful moments of childhood spent with your parents. It's unlikely that it will be 10 ice creams eaten, bought or redecorated in the room. Surely the first thing that comes to mind is fun snowball fights in winter, walks in the park or family trips somewhere. In any case, the child remembers the quality of communication with his parents, and not its material component. Dads! Do not skimp on caring for the moral state of children and wives, as well as meeting their psychological needs.

Caring in women's understanding

Women intuitively feel what their children and men need. Caring in the understanding of women is all kinds of actions that make their environment happy. In young mothers, the maternal instinct awakens, which helps to feel their children, their needs, and natural care for the babies arises. A woman can create a paradise around herself if she shows sacrificial care for her family. It is precisely because of different attitudes towards caring that disagreements can arise between a man and a woman. But it is important to remember that this quality can manifest itself from different sides. Therefore, there is nothing wrong with the fact that the mother will take more care of her child’s feelings and physical condition, and the father will care more about buying toys.

Boundaries of Caring

Oddly enough, real caring has its limits. Overprotection has never been a healthy concern for parents for their children or for children to care for their parents. It is necessary to surround with care in moderation, since excessive care relaxes, pampers and destroys the object at which it is directed. A person should mutually share love, support and care, and not just receive it all unilaterally. In your care, you need to focus on the needs of the person to whom it is manifested, and not on your ambitions or desires. Then the joy of its manifestation will be on both sides of good actions. Showing tenderness and care is a necessity not only for family members, but also for the environment, because we humans must help each other.